Install a sub-woofer!

Make sure you install a sub woofer in the boot of your car, it must be more expensive than your actual car.

Tinker with your new car toys at every available moment on the street, keep testing it at various times of day and night to ensure you know how variable the volume control is.

Give up work so you are able to play with your car toys every single day, you don’t want to miss a single second with your new baby.

Not working is good, you will get government funding to play with your woofer.

If you find that the state is not paying you enough then get yourself a little cash in hand job, drug dealing is quite a popular choice.

You can always use small children as a front for this (please note this is a very stereotypical way of doing it). The best cover up is to play loud music when ever doing a “deal” – the neighbours will have no idea, as you think they are far to middle class to notice and they are always complaining anyway. Again it gives them something to do.

Learn to twitch your curtains in an obvious way, do this every time your neighbours come in or out for work, this reminds them that you are superior and do not need to work.

Never put net curtains up! An old duvet cover or blanket works very well if you put it up with drawing pins. This is so the complaining biddies next door can not see what you are really up to.

If you must have nets up ensure they are a yellow mucky colour preferably with several holes in them caused by your obedient dog, as in the one you have just trained up (see above).

Submitted by: Beth