Symptoms Of A Victim
Spotlight Written By: ‘V for Victim’
Attention NFH sufferers!
Feel run down and out of sorts
Feel constantly under strain
Feel that you are unable to enjoy your normal day-to-day activities
Feel that life was entirely hopeless
If you are, then you are displaying victims of a child suffering from bullying in school!
Can you identify your NFH with these “qualities”?
Focus on their own pleasure
Want to lord it over others
Abuse other people to get what they want
In pain themselves
Have a hard time seeing someone else’s viewpoint
If you can, then your NFH is displaying traits of a bully in the workplace!
For a while, I was surprised by the change in my life and behaviour since I started having NFH, and I constantly wonder why am I feeling the way I am feeling and what kind of relationship exists between us and the NFH? From the forum discussions, one can tell many of us are going through some kind of emotional roller coaster.
We are all victims, and we all display similar symptoms when we live next to someone who’s only all too happy to make our life a misery. And from these symptoms we share and the behaviours of our NFH, I came to the conclusion that the relationship between us and our NFH is one of victim and bully. Perhaps everyone has already realised this, but for a while I found it hard to believe because I was never a victim at work or in school, why now, why do I display the symptoms of a bully’s victim?
To answer this question, I find it hard to argue from a victim’s standpoint, even though the examples given above might mirror what we are going through, it is ultimately taken from a study based on a very different environment, very little or no study was conducted for situations like ours. So I have decided to answer this from the bully’s standpoint.
According to a paper found in this link (outdated as of 2015), bullying is evident if we can identify the combination of the following a desire to hurt + hurtful action + a power imbalance + (typically) repetition + an unjust use of power + evident enjoyment by the aggressor and a sense of being oppressed on the part of the victim.
So let’s break this down one by one, and see if we can define our NFH as a bully:
A desire to hurt – besides driven by the desire to hurt, to wilfully ignore the victim’s plight could be interpreted as a desire to hurt. i.e. if your NFH constantly play loud music and KNOWS that you are bothered by it, but chooses to ignore you, then the desire to hurt has been displayed.
Hurtful action – “may be delivered or induced directly by a blow, an insult or offensive gesture or indirectly through spreading rumours, social manipulation or exclusion”
A power imbalance – this is an interesting one, if you and your NFH is of equal build physically and psychological equivalent, then can we still classified as a bully-victim relationship? I would think the answer is yes (though there hasn’t been any conclusive evidence), because the power imbalance can be a social one, in which the legislation is working in favour of your NFH. Hence we can feel distressed by KFH (‘Kids From Hell’), even though we are a lot stronger than them.
(Typically) repetition – I think this is true for every sufferer, no one comes here with just one bad encounter with the NFH.
An unjust use of power – Power can be anything, ranging from physical to their positions or connections in the community/authority etc.
Evident enjoyment by the aggressor – I believe NFH will not do what they are doing, if it makes them feel miserable.
Oppressed on part of the victim – Hmmm…I think we can all sign up to that.
Given that there is very little research done in this area (and I am not starting one here?), we can only form help groups and try to campaign our cause (like this community). One too many times I read in the forum of people going on anti-depressants and yet there are no help out there (no helpline whatsoever) for these people to turn to.
I also suspect it will be hard for the court to rule that your health (both physical and mental) has suffered a great deal because there is very little (if any) scientific research done on this; unless you go to your GP once you are displaying the “symptoms” and have a long history of logs and evidence to back it up – but what are the symptoms?!
Have you ever asked if it is normal that you are feeling this way? What are the symptoms of a victim of an NFH bully? What checklist can we tick to say the NFH is causing this? And what are the early warning signs so that we can seek help before we turn to drugs to help us cope?
I am not in a position to say I have all the answers and I know how everyone feels when it comes to NFH, different people react differently and tackle their problem in their own way, but someone has to start somewhere, or this site will never come this far.
If you can relate to one or more things mentioned here, chances are, you have NFH:
1) Reluctant to go home – It could be hanging out with your friends, staying later at work (without any real work). It may be something that is hard for many to admit and denial is probably part of the behaviour. But if you don’t feel like going home when you have no other problems (i.e. family), then there is another source you need to look into.
2) Lost all interest in the house – half done DIY? All the decoration drive that you had when you first move into the house evaporated? If the thing you want to beautify is marred with an annoying spot that will not go away, could you still find the strength to make it look nice?
3) Not looking forward to your weekends, evenings? – when you know those are the times when your encounter with your NFH might start.
4) You are constantly thinking about moving – Getting out of the situation all together is perhaps the most ideal solution for all, but for many it is usually a very difficult move. Hence the coupled feeling would be one of trapped, helplessness.
5) Your attention switches immediately when you hear your NFH – it may be the opening of the door, their voices, you stop what you are doing and pays attention to them, sign that you are highly-strung.
6) You are second-guessing event even before they happen – you are half expecting your NFH to execute their next move, perhaps in anticipating that you feel that when it happens you are prepared for it, or you are hoping against hope it will not.
7) Fear of confrontation – you know you are in the right, you know that you have reasons on your side, and yet you know you cannot go knock on your NFH door to tell them about whatever problem you are having with them. Perhaps the NFH is an unreasonable person, or the relationship between you and your NFH has already been clear who the dominating one is.
You may identify with none, some, or all that was mentioned, but the main thing is that you now know that you are not alone, and you are normal in feeling the way you feel.
Apart from tackling the NFH with what tools we have externally, we must understand and tackle the invisible problem that they cause within ourselves; only when we recognise these signs then we will start curbing it before it gets beyond (y)our control.