The Neighbour From Hell (NFH) is a strange breed and often mutters many strange words!

Did they really say that?

These are actual phrases that may be weird, wacky, ridiculous or just plain daft and somewhere, somehow, Neighbours From Hell have actually said these!


Read on at your peril and be entertained…!

(During a NFH Argument between a couple): “I can’t go to work tommorow, I’ve got no knickers, the only one’s I’ve got are pink!”

(During a NFH Argument between a couple): “I’d rather watch Eastenders than have sex with you, it’s more interesting!”

Strange utterings from real NFH!

I was walking up the street to my home and saw my neighbour from hell up a ladder outside his house fiddling around with something on his front wall.

Me: Hiya (NFH Name) “Busy are you?”

NFH: “Yeah I am fixing my satellite system up. My missus got all the stuff cheap from the factory so I am setting it up”

Me: “Been at it long?”

NFH: “Yeah been up here ages now and I still can’t get it to work.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

NFH: “Well I am installing it meself and I can’t gerrit to work.”

Me: “You cant install it yourself can you? I thought you had to have specialists to do that?”

NFH: “Nah, I’m not paying for that I can do it meself. What it is, I’ve been over my bruvvers and he has one on the side of his house. Well what I did see was, I went up the ladder and measured the gap between the bracket and the wall with a piece of cardboard. It is ** degrees as an angle, cos my bruvver said if you fold a square in half, and half again then that is ** degrees and that is about the size of it – so I have measured it wiv the cardboard – see?”

(…shows me a piece of brown folded cardboard)

Me: “Oh (trying hard not to laugh and be ‘dead pan’) but how will you catch the signal and link up to the satellite?”

NFH: “Well my bruvvers satellitte dish is pointing towards the church right? So I’ve pointed mine the same way and it will catch the signal as the satellite passes the church.”

Me: “Oh I see – never knew that” – (realising it is pointless to point out that it takes more than a piece of cardboard to tune into billions of pounds worth of satellite).

“See you (NFH Name)”, as I go indoors.

For the next 3 hours I hear people passing and the same conversation over and over again. I am doubled up in stitches indoors. It starts raining and STILL NFH is fiddling around until his piece of cardboard gets wet. In the end NFH gets annoyed and gives up as he goes indoors.

Quote from the 17 year old son of our ex-neighbour from hell:

We christened this chap “Sam Dingle” due to his resemblance both physically and intellectually to the “Emmerdale” character.

“I was just undoing the last bolt and it just fell off, onto the floor”.

This refers to the time he was trying to affix a new boy-racer style bumper to his clapped out VW golf 1.3 and he actually undid all the engine mounting bolts, causing the whole engine to fall onto the floor!

Scene: I am walking up the pavement of my street to my home when I spy NFH ahead of me and spreading gossip and I have to pass him.

I stop briefly and say to NFH quietly and politely –

“Please will you refrain from spreading malicious gossip about me it is very upsetting and is making me ill, thankyou.”

Response: NFH adopting an authoritive and bombastic manner as he had an audience of 2 of his cronies, says:

“Remove yourself off these premises NOW, you are trespassing!”

Me: (to NFH Name) “These are not premises – it is a pavement.”

NFH: “REMOVE yourself from these premises NOW! You are trespassing!”

My parting response as I walk away: “This is a public pavement and a public right of way, not private premises (to NFH Name), so please dont be so silly.”

I reach my house and go in to leave him still ‘holding court’ with the numpty neighbours!

NFH was complaining about the weeds and the growing grass in September…..

She says: “But I dug it over this Spring, it couldn’t have grown that quick!”

A number of years ago my NFH bragged he had just bought a new computer. I mentioned I’d already owned a second hand one for some time.

My neighbour started asking very odd, basic questions about using it, so I told him he could borrow a book from me if he wished. He agreed and was grateful.

So, I loaned him “Windows 95 for Dummies”.

He gave it back 2 days later stating it was “too hard” for him!

My NFH’s children threw everything moveable over the 6ft high fence into our garden. The following exchange took place:

NFH: You stole my kid’s fings! You’re a f***in stalker you are!

Me: Your children threw it all in here.

NFH: Give it back give it back!

Me: Here (I hand the trike over the fence)

NFH: Dont f***in throw fings at my children you c**t!

Me: Where’s your husband? I need to speak to a sane person.

NFH: You went to Ankara and you stole my Dad’s boat you did! He’s in Broadmoor.

Me: I’m not surprised.

NFH: Don’t f***in swear at me you c**t!

Shortly after this, NFH was taken away for a blessed month of silence and returned as a heavily sedated zombie.

Unfortunately, husband has taken over the screaming duties. I have become a hypnotherapist and stress counsellor.

To protect the rear of our property we have a bright security light with a sensor attached.

Our NFH were in their garden drinking late at night with their mates, after a party with loud music was stopped; When they were served with a Noise Abatement Notice from the Council and Police.

One of the drunken revellers; obviously walking around their back garden close to our boundary fence and in the line of our sensor, was heard saying “Look at that, they keep turning their light on and off just to annoy us!”

Our NFH were on oath giving evidence during our own private litigation case against them. During the proceedings, they were asked by the Circuit Judge who was presiding at County Court, how they reacted and what did they do after they were served with a Noise Abatement Notice for music.

The replies: Firstly from him under oath giving evidence, “Well, we just carried on as normal”.

From her whilst she was under oath giving her evidence, “Well, we just carried on as normal”.

This was about the only truth they told throughout!

We recently attached a note to our neighbours wheelie bin asking them in a polite and courteous manner:

“Please, will you not leave your wheelie bin outside the frontage of No……”

Every week they put their bin in full view of our lounge window at night to be collected the next day, then leave it there all day, empty, before putting it away later pm. They could leave it outside their own frontage but prefer to use ours as a NFH would do I suppose. Anyway, we went out and came back to a note that had been attached to our wall but had blown off and was then thrown over our wall. It was captured all on video! Her message read:

“The path outside both our properties belongs to the council NOT YOU!! Life would be easier if people tried to get along….”

We liked the last statement; isn’t that precisely what we the victims of NFH have been actually saying to the NFH for years & years & years…….?!

Our neighbour was recently arrested for harassment. Being 9.30pm in the middle of winter, the weather wasn’t exactly warm. As the police led him outside, we caught a glimpse of the scene outside from an upstairs window.

Our NFH was typically dressed in matching union jack T shirt, baggy shorts and flip flops.

“I want to speak to someone! You can’t do this! I’m going to Tenerife tonight”, he yelled.

Oh dear, pity he missed out on his holiday, but it has certainly given us something to laugh about!

During a particularly loud party, with lots of obnoxious behaviour – “uno momento, I need a wee wee….I’ve got my boxer shorts on tonight and I feel sexy!”

Send us your original hilarious NFH phrases for inclusion in this humour area!