(Submitted by: Ribbit)
1st Place!

My neighbours’ names are Ron ‘n’ Gassy,
They think they’re posh and awfully classy,
They like to throw their weight about,
Stamp their feet and have a shout.

Ron has a temper, makes quite a din,
Paces the drive and hugs his bin,
An old carrier bag he’s never without,
As he struts up the drive and wanders about.

And Gassy, well she knows the mayor,
And number ten… oh, she’s been there,
Old Tony ‘phones up every day,
To see what Gassy has to say.

Strapped for cash they hatch a plan,
To milk me for all the cash they can,
So I receive a note revealing,
“There’s water pouring through my ceiling!”

And then their chandelier falls down,
Oh, and more water… I fear they’ll drown!
Another stain, another ceiling,
The plaster’s stained, the paper’s peeling!

“No more!” I say, I will not pay,
I’ll have no contact from today!
But still they spy from secret places,
With pursed lips and sour faces.

Then Ron decides to chase my car,
And fearing that he’ll go too far,
I get CCTV installed,
Ron ‘n’ Gassy are appalled!

“Invasion of our privacy!”
The accusation hurled at me,
And not satisfied with that,
They claim that I have bugged their flat!

And so to court we all must go,
And evidence of crimes I’ll show,
My tapes I’ll play, my story I’ll tell,
About Ron ‘n’ Gassy… my neighbours from hell!

The closing date for the NFHiB Forum Poem Competition was November 22nd 2004.

The Remit was: 1. Poems to be kept to a maximum of 250 words. 2. The competition was open to members of the NFHiB Forum Community only. 3. Poems to describe a past or current Neighbour From Hell (NFH) or the feelings, circumstances around a ‘NFH’ etc.