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  • Complaints to the Council

    Apologies to anyone who's seen theis before



    :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:







    In the following authentic (allegedly) complaints received by local Councils from their tenants, there are several points which might be misconstrued and seen as a source of amusement by those of low intellect and immature sense of humour. For the rest of us, this will serve as a morally improving example of the crude innuendo enjoyed by the masses:



    I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.



    I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.



    Their 18-year-old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence. Not only is this making a hell of a noise, but the fence is now sagging in the middle.



    This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.



    I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.



    I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.



    I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.



    The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.



    Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.



    Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.



    I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 5.30 his c*ck wakes me up and it's getting too much.



    It's all right when my husband is on day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.



    The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.



    Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.



    The toilet seat is cracked where do I stand?



    I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.



    Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.



    Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door closed the door the other night, she pulled at my knob too hard and now it's ready to fall off.



    I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

  • #2
    Roflmao :lol:



    Thank you for that, Eskander, I really enjoyed it :lol: Erm, the post



    Misty
    "Almost anything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Gandhi

    Comment


    • #3
      :jump:



      V funny

      Comment


      • #4
        Immature it might be, but it's hilarious :lol: :hihi: :lol:



        Signed,



        "Low intellect" :P

        Comment


        • #5
          :lol:



          excellent stuff, hee hee



          i know there are a lot like that to do with car insurance as well, he he
          http://bestsmileys.com/sparkle/1.gif



          I decree today that life

          Is simply taking and not giving

          England is mine - it owes me a living

          But ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye

          Oh, ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye ~ Morrisey/Marr




          Politics is Showbusiness for ugly people ~ Jay Leno



          I don't like liars, I don't like cheats. I don't like bullsh***ters. I don't like schmoozers. I don't like ar*e-lickers. ~ Sir Alan Sugar



          "Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford." ~ Samuel Johnson



          The secret of success is the capacity to overcome failure ~ Noel Coward



          An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today ~ Laurence J. Peter



          Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine ~ Lord Byron



          Better bread with water than cake with trouble ~ Russian Proverb



          There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a cup of tea ~ Bernard-Paul Heroux



          Carpe Diem



          Give Yourself to It ~ Sue Gadenne

          Comment


          • #6
            And here it is Annabel:



            Alleged Insurance Claims



            "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."



            "A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road."



            "I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."



            "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."



            Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

            A: Travelled by bus?



            "I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".



            "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."



            "On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."



            "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."



            "Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin."



            A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

            Q: - What warning was given by you?

            A: - Horn

            Q: - What warning was given by the other party?

            A: - Moo



            "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."



            "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"



            "I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."



            "Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"



            "No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."



            "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."



            "While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."



            Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?

            A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan.



            "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."



            "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."



            "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."



            "We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."



            "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."



            "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."



            "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

            "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."



            "I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put myhead through it".



            "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".



            "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".



            "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".



            "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."



            "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."



            "I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."



            "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.



            "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."



            "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."



            "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."



            "I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."



            "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."



            "I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car!!"



            "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."



            "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

            Comment


            • #7
              :lol: B) :hihi: :lol:



              great stuff eskander, gave me a good chuckle!!!
              http://bestsmileys.com/sparkle/1.gif



              I decree today that life

              Is simply taking and not giving

              England is mine - it owes me a living

              But ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye

              Oh, ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye ~ Morrisey/Marr




              Politics is Showbusiness for ugly people ~ Jay Leno



              I don't like liars, I don't like cheats. I don't like bullsh***ters. I don't like schmoozers. I don't like ar*e-lickers. ~ Sir Alan Sugar



              "Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford." ~ Samuel Johnson



              The secret of success is the capacity to overcome failure ~ Noel Coward



              An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today ~ Laurence J. Peter



              Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine ~ Lord Byron



              Better bread with water than cake with trouble ~ Russian Proverb



              There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a cup of tea ~ Bernard-Paul Heroux



              Carpe Diem



              Give Yourself to It ~ Sue Gadenne

              Comment


              • #8
                hehehehe hehheeheh heheheehe :lol:



                thanks for that, theres always some thing new here to cheer me up after a rotton day! :lol: :thumbs:

                Comment


                • #9
                  :hihi:



                  :hihi:



                  :hihi:

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    :thumbs:

                    :lol:



                    Here's another genuine Council repair:



                    'please send someone straight away, my granny's fallen off the roof'



                    This is actually a real problem - I'll leave you all to work it out!



                    Comment


                    • #11
                      :lol: Thanks for those Eskander :hihi:



                      I've read the repair ones a few times, but they get me every time :lol:

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        :hihi: Very funny, thanks!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          ESKANDER , LMAO, :lol: :hihi: :jump: :thumbs: GREAT

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