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My Nfh, The Final Chapter

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  • My Nfh, The Final Chapter

    Hi all,

    I don’t really know what I hope to achieve by this posting but I have thought long and hard about it.

    I recently posted this success story regarding my own neighbour.

    I came to this forum and announced “I am no angel”. In the past I have done some terrible violent things. I and my three brothers ruled our estate through fear. I have seen fear in other people’s eyes as I approach them. I have seen people cross the street to avoid me, even run as I came close. I have seen people begging before us, we showed no mercy, in the past I have used to marvel at how tough I was. There was not a single issue I could not resolve through violence. I never feared a single person.

    It was only a matter of time before we fell foul of the law and I ended up, rightly, behind bars.

    I moved away from this life, some twenty years ago. I would like to able to say, I saw the light, or I changed over night or some other noble notion, but this is not so. I was just very lucky and met right person.

    We moved to this quite, private, area some eight years ago. We were welcomed and made friends. The people around us know nothing of my violent past and accept us.

    The neighbour who waged war on me was never a physical threat but he forced me to face my past. It would have been so easy to have given him a good hiding but by doing so I would have lost. I would have lost my right to be accepted, simply as a human being. I would simply be right back where I started from. I came to this forum out of desperation, not though fear of him but of myself. By his actions against my wife and children, I nearly reached breaking point.

    I kidded myself for years that I had changed and in a way I now view what this neighbour put me through as my first and hopefully my last test. I thought that because I had walked away from violence I was no longer capable of violence, I was wrong. Unlike people we meet in the street, we can never avoid our neighbours or walk away. One way or another they have to be addressed.

    Without trying to overstate this I feel how a reformed alcoholic, ex junkie or even an ex smoker must feel. The temptation and the demons are always there. My nfh forced me forced me to face these demons. In a way I suppose that this is what these type of people do, they force you to do things you do not want to do.

    There is a world of difference between being accepted and being feared. I am now more than happy to be known as “that big quite bloke who lives out in the sticks with his wife and three children. He seems harmless enough but he keeps himself to himself”.

    This is fine by me, at least I am accepted.

    This posting is selfish, it is for me, to put before, a group of people I have never met, the ghosts of my terrible past and try finally to lay them to rest.


  • #2
    Hi Kevin,

    Thanks for posting such an honest and insightful post - you have much experience to offer and can offer opinion/insight from different sides of the coin.

    None of us are perfect - and I'm sure that many of us have thought about physically intervening with NFH at some point, even if that was for just a second. The difference always is whether we act on those instincts/feelings or not, that's what raises us above morally over NFH, and you have obviously truly succeeded in that and I congratulate you on your courage and perseverance.

    I don't think we can ignore negative feelings like we have/had have towards NFH, I think the key is to recognise they are there and deal with them on a personal level with whatever works for us - only that way can we hope to extinguish them and prevent ourselves from acting in a way which is as 'bad as them'.

    Thanks for posting that - fingers crossed for you for a peaceful/trouble free home life always in future.


    • #3
      I dare say most of us here would have liked to commit a hideous violent act against our NFH, borne out the sheer frustration of of our predicaments. Some people even do succumb to it....

      You should feel proud , given your background, that you didnt revert to your old ways, this impulse must have been very hard to resist.

      and on top of that you seem to have resolved your issues with the NFH!!!!

      I decree today that life

      Is simply taking and not giving

      England is mine - it owes me a living

      But ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye

      Oh, ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye ~ Morrisey/Marr

      Politics is Showbusiness for ugly people ~ Jay Leno

      I don't like liars, I don't like cheats. I don't like bullsh***ters. I don't like schmoozers. I don't like ar*e-lickers. ~ Sir Alan Sugar

      "Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford." ~ Samuel Johnson

      The secret of success is the capacity to overcome failure ~ Noel Coward

      An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today ~ Laurence J. Peter

      Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine ~ Lord Byron

      Better bread with water than cake with trouble ~ Russian Proverb

      There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a cup of tea ~ Bernard-Paul Heroux

      Carpe Diem

      Give Yourself to It ~ Sue Gadenne


      • #4
        Kevin, I found your post very moving and very honest. I admire you for your resolve, especially given your past. Your story should be a reminder to us all that even NFH are human and given the right circumstances they too could change.

        You have not only faced your demons but you have held them in check. Non-violence has made you stronger rather than weaker and therefore a much better human being. I'm sure that many people have thought of using violence against their NFH, indeed we've read stories where just that thing has happened. You chose not to use violence and have succeeded in coming to an agreement with your NFH. It gives us all hope

        I hope life remains peaceful for you and your family.

        "Almost anything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Gandhi


        • #5

          What a brave post....and thank you for your honesty....maybe your own past has made you a person who has more insight than many of us. And what's more, maybe even your nfh hell has helped in a back-handed fashion.

          What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

          Carry on big, quiet guy!!! It obviously works

          With admiration



          • #6
            Hi all,

            Thanks for all the support.

            Regret,remorse,guilt,shame are all words that I could put into sentences but they could never describe how bad I feel about my past.

            I really hope I never have to face it again.

            many thanks kevin


            • #7

              I dont think you will face it again, as now you are a different person totally!

              wiser, older and stronger in character.

              I would also like to echo everything that has been said above.

              its the most honest and touching personal post I think I have every read.

              to a peaceful life friend! :flowers:


              • #8
                Hiya Kevin

                Lay the past to's gone and acknowledged!

                You're a much bigger man(not size) these days...don't beat yourself up for ever!

                Where are you now?......exactly.




                • #9
                  Hi Kevin,

                  I can only echo the other posts which talk of your openness etc. What makes you a bigger man than me is that you know you have been able to use violence in the past, which means it's harder for you to make the right choice in the face of Wally or Radar next door playing silly b*****rs.

                  Smashing his face in could only ever be a fantasy for a wimp like me, which makes my law-abiding choices easier. I do, however dream of weedkiller accidentally splashing onto Radar's beloved cypresses!

                  And despite the good intentions of the Rehabilitation of Offenders act (1974), there are always the exemptions, so it never really goes completely away. It's easy for me to live with having to declare a speeding fine & 3 penalty points from 1978 on every job application (teaching)...

                  The nearest I've been is having been struck off the Nursing Register for a while. Despite being reinstated AND being a good guy really, that one never quite goes away.

                  I admire your courage, Kevinp.
                  "Poor Tom shall lead thee" (King Lear)


                  • #10

                    I dont think you will face it again, as now you are a different person totally!

                    wiser, older and stronger in character.

                    I hate to tell you Beth that I wish it was as simple as that.

                    It's a well known fact in psychology that unless we face what is in front of us, the problem will come around time and again to face the demons that are within.

                    Misty calls it Karma and many a time I have been on this forum and agreed wholeheartedly with her. But, the very fact remains that sometimes we will go through these scenarios maybe three or four times even when we have learned the lesson to make sure we are 'fully broken in'. These scenarios will always take on a different angle but, the meaning behind is always the same.

                    It's a difficult one this. As you know my background was formerly the prison service and although I have mixed views on whether prison works; I do know that the life we choose to lead will either bear the fruits of our labours or opens out along the way into a barren wasteland.


                    Regret,remorse,guilt,shame are all words that I could put into sentences but they could never describe how bad I feel about my past.

                    It's called your conscience Kevin. If you didn't have these thoughts then it would be Goodnight Vienna for the rest of us. We can never be free from our conscience, its the one thing that pricks us, even the hardest of men, your conscience is your prison.

                    I don't condone violence I never have and I never will. But, all I can say is there but for the grace of God go I.

                    God Bless Kevin


                    • #11
                      Hi all,

                      Thank you all for your kind and honest words.

                      I cannot thank you all individually but Janee, I found your story very moving and I know how difficult it must have been for you to write, thanks.

                      I alone don’t deserve your words. I would like to redirect them to the one person above all that really does deserve them. My wife, Susan (this is her real name).She as seen all the postings, hopefully to save blushes she will miss this one.

                      Without Susan the outcome of this affair would have been so different. She stood in the firing line and took it from both sides and never flinched. She refused to buckle or bow to him when I wasn’t there and refused to allow me to escalate it when I was there.

                      I feel so sorry for people that have to face these situations alone. Everybody needs a rock and mine was and is Susan.

                      I don’t know who said “women are the weaker sex” but they were so wrong. Must have been some bloke.

                      Many Thanks Kevin


                      • #12
                        Kevin, you are a lovely chap who used to beat people up. Bad habit, but you managed to -with help- break it. You were probably a victim of where you grew up, I'd guess?

                        Now you are a nice chap who doesn't beat people up.

                        And a very brave one for facing up to your past. However, you are, in a way, more fortunate than some people. You know yourself, what you are capable of and what violence does.