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Having A Tough Time ?

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  • Having A Tough Time ?

    For my own security and peace of mind I have decided to relay to some of you here in Advanced Plus what I have been going through these last few weeks and today inparticular relating to the mental health topics on other areas of this forum.

    Last year my mum was diagnosed with a progressive tumour - it was operable and we were given a life line of a cure - the consultant said so. Mum went through the gross chemotherapy and collapsed twice on me both times being rushed into hospital. My firm were very good and gave me the time off that I needed to help mum get through this (My dad died when I was 14 and my brother when he was 28 also of cancer), as it was only down to me. We got through the tough times and the operation from hell and she progressed and made a good recovery.

    Three weeks ago during an examination at the hospital I was given the awful news that the cancer had returned. This time it was was non operable. She now has to have 10 lots of radiotherapy over ten days. The chances of a cure are less than 15%.

    My friends don't really understand on the basis that they have never lost a parent or sibling and can neither relate to me nor have any real understanding of what it is like and what I am going through in terms of personal pain.

    Today, when mum was in bed having a rest I sat in the sitting room and I cried (I am not ashamed to say that I cried for myself too). I love my mum and although I accept that we all have to die; it goes without saying I don't want her to go yet. I am praying for a miracle that I know might not happen but I am wishing will.

    I have a fanatastic dog who seems to know just when I need his affection and the fact that I can take him for a walk over the fields and cry over there too knowing that I won't meet anyone nor will anyone see me. It helps that I have an excuse to get out into the fresh air to feel a bit better too and be more positive for us all when I return.

    So, on that basis some may say I should be locked up, need help, drugs and even electric convulsive shock treatment etc to bring me back to my senses and walk about again with a smile on my face. I hope that I don't flip or go over the edge, but then no one can ever tell. So maybe I will be the 1 in 4 who will need some sort of counselling after all this. Given that I will have lost every member of my immediate family by the time I am 35 should be enough to push anyone over the edge. I think I do have depression - a mild form maybe but yes and I have no doubt that I am suffering and will continue to suffer for a while. I don't need the doctor and I shall try and cope with this the best way I can.

    I don't condemn anyone who doesn't know about mental health I don't know a great deal about it either, but life is not all about pidgeon holeing people. It's about life and how each and every one of us deals with it. Right now I am not so great - in fact we are having a really tough time of it. But life isn't simple and straight forward - it twists and turns in the most unexpected ways.

    Perhaps it's just as well we cannot see what is coming around the corner at us in life - I for one would not be able to face it nor deal with it.

  • #2
    Hi Scooby,

    Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. As I see it, sadness is healthy. No fun, but a real response to life's being a b*tch at times. Depression is when the sadness doesn't relate to the reality around. Sometimes the boundary's blurred, especially when you're inside your situation (easier to be objective if you're not nvolved...)

    I think the most important thing for me was actually acknowledging my depression to myself, wife and therapist. In a way liberating & empowering because I could choose ways to combat it.

    You do sound very alone/lonely. But you also have colleagues, and friends here at NFH. And your dog (check out my post on dogs in the thread on mental health issues).

    PS have just previewed my post & discovered that the 'female dog' has been amended with a *. How prurient!! What happens when I want to go off-topic and discuss dog-breeding?
    "Poor Tom shall lead thee" (King Lear)


    • #3
      Hi Scoobs,

      I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I've lost family members, my father quite suddenly from undiagnosed pneumonia, (his GP didn't get the nickname Dr.Death for nothing!) My sister, aged 41 from cancer and my mum also quite suddenly from an embolism. So I do appreciate what you must be going through right now. Having Madhatter living next door will only intensify your feelings as you go thought this harrowing time

      What you are feeling is quite a normal reaction to your circumstances. Medical intervention in the form of medication may numb those feelings but they won't remove them completely and may in fact inhibit the natural grieving process. Grief isn't something we want but it's part of the human condition.

      Right now you will have to be strong for your mum. I know you know this without me saying it. But you will need somebody to be strong for you. I've heard you mention Shaggy and I'm sure he'll be there for you.

      There is not much we can do to help but I'm sure everybody will be hoping and praying for you and your mum. Prayer can be a powerful medicine.

      Thinking and praying for you

      "Almost anything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Gandhi


      • #4
        Of course you cried for yourself! Damn it, you have earned a good blart for your mum, for you, your dad.

        Argh! Drat! Now you have me at it, too! My eyes are filling up.

        That's better. Have you seem the MacMillan Nurses? Marie Currie Nurses?

        I hope these links will be of some use to you.

        BTW, your dog sounds like a saint! I have a cat. If you are upset the cat thinks: "feed me. That'll make you feel better!" Yeah. Thanks, cat!


        • #5

          I have always been impressed with your honest and well thought out postings.

          You come across as very straight person with who says the right things at the right time.

          You are right it is best we can't see what comes around the corner for us. Unfortunately we have to face these corners and rely on luck to get us around them.

          I really can't offer you any practical advise on what you are going through only my heart felt sympathy. I hope this works out for you mate.

          If it is any comfort at all I feel privileged and honored to know you feel comfortable enough to lay down your inner most thoughts here. You are amongst friends.

          Life is cruel but it is the only one we get.

          Take care of yourself mate Kevin


          • #6
            To share something so personal is quite something. It's so big that it just had to come out. I feel honoured in a way that you've shared something so personal with us all.

            We all seem to have had a dark time in our lives and maye that's why you feel safe to share with us - at least we can understand what real black dark grief is. I've been there, I know too. In a hole so deep and black I thought I'd never come back up - tried to kill myself and came very, very, close to being successful in that little venture, ended up in hospital.

            The pain seemed endless and the future seemed nil. That was 1984.

            In the blackness of mental anguish it's difficult to see a way out, so it's for others to see it for you and lead you out.

            We've never met, I only know you through the words on a page, but that's what I deal in - and it's all good.

            My positive thoughts are with you.



            • #7
              Hi Scooby.....

              There is really nothing anyone can say to take away someone's psychological pain in one fell-swoop. I hope you gain some strength from the support of other members, as well as colleagues/friends. Sometimes, it's not necessary to have been through a similar situation to comfort someone, just have some understanding of the feelings that could be involved. Don't be afraid to ask for your GP for help, if you feel you need it;medication is not all they should offer!

              I hope your Mum's treatment gives you the space to have some great quality time together.




              • #8
                Hi scooby

                Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time.

                There isn't anything that I can say that will make it any easier for you.

                All I will say, is that it's OK to feel selfish right now. You have a right to cry for others and yourself.

                I really can't be easy having to cope with so much at once. The other members have given you a lot of suggestions and supportive words and I hope you take some comfort from the fact that people are thinking of you.


                • #9

                  Scooby, please, you've set me off now!!

                  The last thing you need now is an NFH, and their trivial claptrap :angry: .

                  I know exactly what you are going through - if there was an emoticon for a hug I would be adding 10 of them here for you and hoping it would make you feel better.

                  So I hope that this one will do - :daisy: just beacuse it looks kinda cheerful .

                  I can't take away the pain, I also can't say what the future will behold for you (or any of us). All I know is that somehow, you'll get through and you will gain even more resilience and strength - you seem to have plenty already.

                  My way of dealing with stuff is never give up hope - even with the worst news, you just never know.

                  I don't know how you do it but you do seem to say the right words to other members. We are all here for you - people genuinely care - don't forget.



                  • #10
                    Hi Scooby,

                    Not much words of comfort I can offer really but other than to say that like everyone else on the forum our thoughts are with you.


                    "Take off and nuke the site from orbit- it's the only way to be sure!"

                    apologies if you are an "Aliens" fan

                    Posh Noodle - NOT for the likes of YOU!!


                    • #11
                      Scooby and April

                      My sympathies. Life is hard enough without the crass nfh intervention we are all experiencing. A very close friend of mine is slowly but surely dying of cancer and you feel so useless and impotent. Nothing you do can stop the inevitable and you have every right to grieve for the one you lose and yourself.

                      You have both left me great messages of support on my thread. Nothing indicated the private non-nfh turmoil you are going through. Brave, lovely people, both of you.

                      Scooby - the dog thing. Our dog seems to know our every emotion. If we are sad, for whatever reason, he acts the fool! Almost like he is trying to cheer us up - or are all us dog lovers slightly barmy!!!

                      Thinking of you both.

                      Take care.

                      "You have to be the change you wish to see in the world"


                      • #12
                        We are saddened to hear of your mums cancer. My boyfriends mum had breast cancer, and had them both removed. She is free at the moment but she tires easly.

                        Would a second opinion from a different doctor be any good.

                        If it helps you at all speaking as someone with various disabilities, I can find it differcult in life sometimes always thinking all ways feeling that I have being short changed, when god handed the best deals out. They say quality is better than quantity.


                        • #13
                          Scooby - Doo, where RU?

                          Hope all is well, was just wondering if you are Ok and how your mum is.

                          I Pray it's all OK.



                          • #14
                            Okay Folks,

                            Scooby Doo is back for a two minute pit stop. Things have been ticking over here at this end nicely and mum is making good progress. Treatment starts in earnest in two weeks time and my absence has been one of working and coming home and dealing with the mundane day to day things of life.

                            Madhatter is still, well Madhatter although things are progressing in the background which I cannot divulge here just yet. But watch this space.

                            Some good news though Shaggy and I have decided to get married YAY.

                            Yeap thats some good news at least so another reason for my not being around. Probably a summer 2004 wedding although I would rather buzz off somewhere hot and do it on a beach; Shaggy wants the works and feels that we should do that and given that our friends would be left out he is right - he usually is although I would be grateful if you didn't tell him that I said that though.

                            So thats it so far.

                            Thanks for the words John and no we are not barmy dogs are pretty clued up so its not just us going daffy. They know allot more than we realise.


                            • #15
                              Congrats to you Scoobs!!!!

                              that seems like better news all round for you then!! :lol:

                              best wishes to your mum! :flowers: