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Am I being over the top

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  • Am I being over the top

    A few of years ago a family moved in next door.They have four very young kids(I have a couple).Anyway,a couple of years ago I heard the husband beating up the wife.I assume he left (though he came back)but the wife started playing very loud techno music,sometimes late at night.At first I wasn't too bothered cos to be honest I used to play my music loud (though not late at night).But I eventually got fed up and asked her a number of times to turn it down,which to be fair she always did.This wasn't a constant barrage of music,but it annoyed me neverthe less and made me realize that I had probably been equally inconsiderate (though if anyone had ever asked me to turn it down I would have done so amicably)

    So things ticked along with every now and again me having to ask her to turn it down (though she stopped doing it late) and her complying.I was also getting peeved with her kids who kept throwing things out of their window into my small patio area below.I also suspected she was drug dealing as she had youths knocking on her door,though this all seemed to stop after the husband got beaten up by a couple of youths at the time.Anyway,last year I got home after a weekend away to find that their kids had basically trashed our patio area with eggs,a bottle and other debris.Admittedly the patio is only concrete with no plants but I was livid.With that I knocked on their door and for a couple of minutes there was no answer.Eventually he answered the door to an almighty b*ll*cking (excuse my language) from me about the kids.He suitably shrivelled like a salted snail and there's been no problems with the kids ever since.In fact the music has gone right down to and is very infrequent.However,I still find that now if I can even detect a bit of music from them I feel tense and want to go and do something about it,even though I know that they have turned it right down and probably have a right to play music within a reasonable noise threshold.It's weird because my neighbours on the other side now play their music more often and louder,yet I don't mind cos I like them.As I'm writing this I can see that I probably have issues with the NFH's which stops me from being reasonable about them.Maybe it was the fact that I had to go through all the cr*p with them in the first place which has caused that.

    I'd welcome some opinions,the more honest the better.

  • #2
    Hi Anto and welcome to the board

    I have to be honest and say that your story seems to me to be more of a clash of personalities. I agree it's not very pleasant to have your patio trashed. Did you have to clean it yourself? As to the music, well, maybe your neighbour should have got the message after the first couple of complaints and not played it loud enough for you to have to complain again.

    From what you've said it appears they (neighbours) have tried to respond to your complaints and you yourself admit that your other neighbours are louder. It can affect you psychologically when you are forced to complain and you find yourself actively listening for noise. Which in turn means you are more sensistive to the noise from someone who has given you trouble.

    My advice is to try and ignore it. I know, 'easier said than done.' But sometimes if you find yourself 'listening' and deliberately think of something more pleasant you can find it gets better.

    Good luck

    "Almost anything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Gandhi


    • #3
      Hi Anto and welcome

      Noise nuisance is something that I have experienced and I am fully aware that it can make you very sensitive (wondering whether noise from neighbours is loud or not etc.). Noise torments you, as you never know when it is going to start and, once it gets going, when it's going to stop.

      From your post, it sounds like you confronted the neighbour over the noise (and the children's behaviour), that they have taken on board your concerns and turned down the music to lessen the nuisance and make it more bearable for you.

      If they are still playing music and you can hear it, then I would be tempted to start recording on a sheet when the music/sounds goes on/off, what the music/sound is (if you can tell), what effect it's having on you etc. Once you have a few entries on your sheet, you could either approach the neighbour again, or your local Environmental Health Office or any local Mediation Service that may operate in your area.

      When we had noise nuisance we contacted our nfh (neighbour from hell): first tried to talk to him reasonably, then wrote to him, then let Environment Health deal with it (a verbal and written warning). We were tempted to fight fire with fire, i.e. blast him back with our music, but I felt this might back fire on us so decided against it.

      What is it really about your neighbours that rubs you up the wrong way? As you say that you don't seem to mind as much about the noise from the other neighbour which is louder and more frequent.

      Keep returning to your post often as you will get lots of advice and support from other members who have a great deal of experience behind them with a huge range of neighbour problems.

      Good luck with whatever you decide to do!


      • #4
        Hello Anto,

        It's good to read a post as refreshingly honest as yours. I think you're aware of the issues raised and of the rightness / wrongness of matters human. Recognising that an urge to quell their slightest noise now, is not exactly where you want to be, is a very healthy sign. As Misty says, things do get better, though it may take longer to get over it than it lasted.

        Sounds like your neighbours are making an effort now. I hope their behavoir remains improved and your feelings toward them mellows somewhat.

        All the best. Keep us posted



        • #5
          Thanks for all the good points.To be honest I think I probably scared these neighbours into submission with the rollicking I gave them.I'm a relatively young,physical guy and the bloke next door is a bit of a weasel so I think they probably thought it wise to pipe down.However,I am always of the opinion that because they forced me into this where I had been polite before,it has made me sensitive to any noise in case I think it's starting up again.My wife doesn't seem bothered by it,so I know it must be me.I do think I probably need to chill out as I even get sensitive to whether my wife and kids are playing their music loud lest we start the neighbours up again.


          • #6
            Hi Anto,

            I offer some feedback to you re your situation.

            It would appear that you maybe have already 'dealt' with your situation in a manner very similar to the way we dealt with ours ie; "fighting fire with fire" so to speak.

            However now is the time perhaps to 'ease off' they seem to have complied to your complaint very reasonably I would say when you read some of the posts on this board so perhaps there is no need to push things further?

            I can relate to the fact that you dont want to give them any excuse to start their carry on as we currently have what might be called a' truce' but I think that the only reason they dont start is because we dont give them any excuse

            I suspect you may be in the same situation


            "Take off and nuke the site from orbit- it's the only way to be sure!"

            apologies if you are an "Aliens" fan

            Posh Noodle - NOT for the likes of YOU!!


            • #7
              Hello Anto,

              I recognise what thought procceses you're going through. The house next door to us is rented by various people from time to time. Last year there was a nice couple living there who were great which was a change as others who had lived there were noisy idiots including the landlord. When we heard the ok people's music we just thought....... oh its ***** playing their music again, not a problem.

              The young couple there now make my skin crawl, they look trouble and ignore us when we see them outside. They make occasional loud noise but nothing you could complain about and never late. They seem to be into drugs and unsavoury looking creeps sometimes call in. When we here anything coming from them we want to go round and introduce them to mr baseball bat but since we're about to move then its not really the time.

              Having suffered from noisy neighbours does make you sensative..... especially if you dislike them


              • #8
                Just be grateful that you have sorted it out, most of us have had to move because of our NFH, i mean if i just hear one of my NFH kids even make a little sound i am wound up, but people around me are playing music, mending their cars, kids playing football, but i know these noises are only for a short while and they dont bother me, but NFH no way do i have any time for them, cant wait to move.,


                • #9
                  Sound advice.It's good to hear from people who understand.It's funny,but I'vehad noisy neighbours before and my parents had problems with noisy neighnours last year,which resulted in my 65 year old dad having a punch up with a man half his age(who was a friend of the NFH).I wanted blood on that occassion but had to respect my parents wishes not to get involved.I think all this has conspired to make me ultra sensitive to this sort of problems and I find myself at times just wanting an excuse to go next door and bash the daylights out of my neighbours.Luckily I realize I'm being way over the top and I do have a degree of self control (I'm a black belt in karate).What I hate myself for is the way I just constantly seem to think of these people,even though they are nobodies.Can't seem to help it.It's like if I'm at home I'm almost just waiting for something to start and invariably it never does.I'm hoping they eventually move out as they have 4 kids and they live in a 3 bedroomed maisonette.I must admit though that reading most of these posts has made me genuinely realize that I'm being too harsh.


                  • #10
                    What I hate myself for is the way I just constantly seem to think of these people,even though they are nobodies.Can't seem to help it.[/b]

                    Anto, I think everybody on this board will identify with that feeling. It's as if the NFH not only intrudes into your home with their noise but into your head as well. I've not really had problems with next door neighbours (just a brief spell a couple of years ago). My problems are with the local yobbery. What I hate more than anything is when they intrude into your dreams!!!! So you don't even escape them in sleep!!!

                    I posted a rant at around 4am this morning because I couldn't sleep after a night of the little G*ts using my garden as a playground/football pitch. It just winds you up so much that your brain seems to be caught in a loop. I've tried to ignore them and sometimes it works but not often enough.

                    Anyway, I hope things get better for you and that eventually you can break the thought pattern, not easy I know. Take care

                    "Almost anything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Gandhi


                    • #11
                      It sounds as if you have got the upper hand, Anto. I think they're probably frightened of you and will certainly avoid upsetting you now.

                      I think you're aware that further attempts to pull them into line aren't really necessary and could leave you open to allegations of nfh style bullying yourself.

                      Well done in successfully persuading them to show more consideration. In some situations, with certain nfh, this just isn't possible.

                      Controlling one's own mind and thoughts isn't always easy. I'm familiar with the discipline acquired from martial arts, soft and hard, and moved away from a horrendous nfh situation (violent attacks including one on my wife in our garden with our baby, obscene abuse shouted at our toddlers...) last year. Yet sometimes I can be doing something else entirely and I feel my hands tightening, around the imaginary neck of the nfh or their corrupt police 'friends' that allowed them to get away with so much. It just isn't healthy.

                      My ma suggests I force myself to think of something else. My wife focusses upon the ample happy things in our lives. I'm sure the truly enlightened would say one should welcome this opportunity to practice the banishment of unwanted thought.

                      I find it really difficult though, in fact I've just (when adding the bits in brackets, above) gone and got myself all wound up again.

                      I've heard it said that punchbag work just worsens a habitual anger problem. Have you found this? If you, or anyone else here knows of a good remedy then please share it with us.

                      All the best,



                      • #12
                        Hi Anton, reiterating what everyone else says, having NFH or just plain old noisy, troublesome neigbours does make you more sensitive to noise. You get in a loop of thinking about it and their noise/your noise - and that's where I'm at and probably most of the people on this board are at - how to get out of the loop of waiting for it to happen/not getting over sensitive when a minor incidence occurs and trying not to let what happens some of the time ruin what life you have the rest of the time.

                        Homer mentioned punchbags in a previous post and I've been thinking of getting one to get rid of my anger, not to 'worsen a problem' - might have to look further into that one. Thinking about it, it probably would have the effect of making me want to 'up and at 'em'. However doing weights has made me feel stronger in myself.

                        I've tried a few things, like if I have a NFH situation I'll do twenty weights or twenty waist exercises or something like that, something positive that would try and take my mind off it - it does sometimes work, but not nearly enough.

                        I think it was Scooby that mentioned all this stress is detrimental to out health, it d**n well is! I was beginning to get pains in my chest when going out to get helicopter numbers, (for anyone who doesn't know, my NFH are RAF trainees and light aircraft)

                        It also has long term effects on our health - which is another thing to get stressed about!

                        Problem is when you're stressed by your own particualr NFH problem the stress just doesn't disappear when the noise/whatever is temporarily over, it leaves an imprint, and that imprint is ruining our lives.

                        I do a counting my blessings thing, but it doesn't work as I always end up thinking "And those b****y RAF trainees are ruining all this!!!!" - so even that doesn't work for me.

                        How to accentaute the positive and clear out negative thoughts? Ideas anyone?