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killed by kindness

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  • killed by kindness

    Hello, new here and I'm not really looking for help, but just need to get it off my chest. Our very 'kind' mid-seventies neighbours have been slowly having more influence on my 6 year old child's life but overstepped the mark the other day by telling him off severely and telling me how to bring him up. I have since very politely withdrawn considerably, without saying why, as I didn't want to fall out, but find we are almost being stalked! We cannot go out of the house without my son being accosted and hugged and whispered to by one of them while I am being kept busy chatting to the other one of them. It is as if they are refusing my withdrawal, despite the fact that the old 'gentleman' must know what he did to upset me, as he was so very incensed at the time. I get daily telephone calls and am feeling very anxious as very soon my husband is going to have to go and have a serious talk with them. Then we will have to have the stupid 'falling out' scenario of pretending not to see them in the street, etc. Oh, it's just made me extremely fed up. I know most of you have far worse problems and we have had those as well. We have moved several times because of unreasonable behaviour (we don't live in the best of towns!) but I just needed to vent. Thanks.

    By the way, my son has been getting less keen on them anyway over the last few months and asking if we could stop contact, but I persevered for their sake as they seemed to get a lot out of being with him. If only I'd listened! They definitely are not being abusive to him (except for teasing constantly) but he is obviously just a good judge of character!

  • #2
    Hi Celia

    Welcome to the Forum!

    You just vent away, that's what it's all about - we can take it, so don't be shy .

    Hmm, I feel that there are times when you just have to grit your teeth and make a stand - however uncomfortable it might be. And in my case, I am very easy going, but when it comes to my three boys, I will stand up for them, however difficult the situation.

    I would have to say something to them now - I guess it depends on how you pitch it, but if you said what you want to say in a certain way, it might not necessarily mean a total falling out.

    But, if they are the kind that really need to have the message hammered home before they completely get the picture, than you do run the risk of falling out. However, would your life be really that affected if they weren't a major figure in it?

    I would probably start by saying something sort of like 'young master Celia is now getting older and he's becoming more aware of himself - and he's not at all keen about...*whatever*....and neither am I so please can you not do this anymore?' And see how it goes.

    If they don't get the message then yep, a stronger stand needs to be made . But with kids, that's how we as parents have to be - don't give it a second thought, your neighbours need to be put in their place !

    Best of luck. Please let us know how you get on .



    • #3
      Hi celia

      must agree with mazza.

      They may not even realise they have upset you. Go for the chat with them see how it goes before it gets too hostile.

      |Good luck



      • #4
        Hi Celia,

        Have just read my post and your story isn't pathetic at all. As you said you are a sensitive person and awkward situations are bound to make you feel down especially at this time of year. We had a similar situation with an elderly gentleman when I was younger, but his attention was always directed at my mum. Big bear hugs and things like that. In the end she just had to make sure that there was always something between them the fence for example! People used to say to her why don't you say something, but it is difficult when you don't want to hurt peoples feelings. People tell us all the time to go and knock on our nfh's door and tell him to turn the music down, but it is not that easy.

        Not answering the phone is a good idea, you could try gettting a caller display unit from BT so you wouldn't miss important phone calls. Hopefully afew days of rushing past them with a "Can't stop now, really busy" may help them get the message.

        Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.



        "Be silent, unless what you have to say is better than silence"


        • #5
          Hi Celia and welcome to the forum

          As a mother myself I can completely understand your annoyance at the unwanted interference in bringing up your son. Nobody should tell your child off in the manner in which you describe.

          From the rest of your post I get the feeling you didn't say anything to the old couple at the time and now your resentment is 'festering'. The fact that they still continue to phone you and speak to you would suggest that they assume that what they did is acceptable to you.

          I really think you should tell them that you are upset about the incident and that if they think your son has done something wrong they should tell you so that you can deal with it. You are his mother and it is not their place to tell you how to bring up your own child.

          It would be a shame if your friendship deteriorated into a NFH situation. Perhaps this couple are lonely, maybe their family is far away and they seem to be using yours as a substitute. While this is very nice they have no right to impose their 'values' upon you. I think it's a very delicate situation that has to be handled with a lot of diplomacy if you want to remain on friendly terms with your neighbours.

          Good luck, hope they understand your point of view

          "Almost anything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Gandhi


          • #6
            Thank you so much for replying to me. I wish I was a tougher person!! I would like to answer this properly and let you know a bit more about it, so I will come back on when I have more than 5 minutes to spare (!) Just wanted to do a quick thank you. It helps a lot that people sympathise :blush: I just went and told my parents the whole story of what happened and even my old dad offered to come and sort the old man out lol! He definitely knows what is wrong as he came round with a small present for my son on Sunday and mumbled that he hoped this was nothing to do with 'mumble, mumble...'.! I was trying to save some of his pride by not mentioning it as I don't think he told his wife about it in case he got told off. I will come back later anyway. The reason I didn't put all the facts is that I am in so paranoid and anxious a state that I am frightened he will read this. I don't even think he has a pc. What am I like?


            • #7
              I think you need to decide whether you want these people to have influence in your son's life, and whether he benefits from being around them.

              If you do, then I feel you should clear the air with your neighbours. At the end of the day there is no point festering over it. Nobody likes their children being told off by others, I know I dont, and there are only a very few family members who I will tolerate doing this, like grandparents or the odd aunty. If a neighbour told my child off, I would want to know the reason why!!! I would then most likely tell them that they should have told me what my child had done wrong (in their opinion) and then I would deal with it.

              perhaps they see themselves in loco grandparentis (excuse terrible use of language) and just went a bit too far. I get the feeling from your posts that they feel guilty for what has happened, and it would take much for things to get sorted out.

              best of luck!

              I decree today that life

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              • #8
                Hi Celia and a (belated) welcome to the forum,

                Sorry to hear that your neighbours have upset you so much and hope that they get the message soon.

                Blue Cow