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Tame in Comparison

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  • Tame in Comparison

    Wow! You can call me 'N', I'm new to the forum, from BC, Canada, so a lot of the rules and reg's you offer don't apply to me, but I'm still extremely happy to have found the site! I'll tell you our story.

    'D' (my fiance), myself, and our 6 yr old daughter moved onto a nice, quiet street in a house we're leasing. We were so happy to have moved out of our old neighbourhood where there were parties every night, arguements in the street outside our rented home, and peril for our daughter.

    My NFH didn't seem to be a NFH to begin with. We were in our new house 2 days and she walked by, smiling, and walked into our yard to introduce herself. She seemed quite nice, and we told her we were happy to be here as it was a quiet, beautiful street. We told her we'd gladly help her out anytime she needed anything, as she lives alone and is in her 80's. We get all 4 seasons, and there is always raking of leaves, mowing lawns, or shovelling snow to be done. My fiance also is a highly trained First Aid attendent, so could help her if she ever hurt herself or fell ill. We even gave her our phone number.

    Well, thereafter my fiance left for work out of town. I had been mowing the lawn, and generally making the garden look nice, as it had been untended for quite a while, being a leased property with no tenants for almost a year. On several occasions I had seen the NFH out and about in her yard, and I waved, smiling, said hi. She never responded once, and never returned the smile. I began to wonder if she didn't have some sort of problem with me, but figured that if she did she would come and talk it over with me, her being so nice and all. I noticed in the mornings that she had her television up to very high levels, which I could hear through my front kitchen window, but I thought that she is old and probably couldn't hear well. I'm a very tolerant person, and so thought it wasn't a big deal, and although I could hear her television while out in my garden, it was not too much of a hassle. I mean, an old person has to hear, and it is probably her only source of enterntainment. She seems pretty isolated there all by herself, and nobody comes to visit.

    Well, 2 weeks had gone by with her never responding to my niceties, but my daughter and I were excited as D, my fiance, was due back that evening. I sparked up the barbecue (BBQ) so that I could make a nice dinner for him, as he likes things cooked off the grill, and it was a special night. I had the BBQ set up outside our side door, which happens to face the NFH side door. My drive is directly opposite her side door, with no fencing between the yards. I had my dog on a leash at the side of the house, as he can be a pest when left to run about. He is a quiet dog, and does bark, but only if somebody comes to the door and we aren't there or are sleeping. When we are outside, he does not bark. My daughter was playing in the front yard enjoying the sunny weather, running through the sprinkler that was watering the front lawn.

    In retrospect, I think I might have been the NFH for this evening, as my BBQ smoke was heading toward her side door, and my daughter was screaming and laughing in our front yard. I was oblivious to it, however, because I was excited about D coming home, and wanted to be close to the telephone when he called to tell me he was back in the city -- hence why I was in the drive. Also, I wanted to stay close to my daughter who was playing in the front yard, so I did not take everything to the back garden, which may have been a better idea considering what was to happen next.

    My old NFH came out of her house, and I looked up and smiled, and she screamed at my daughter "SHUT UP!" I stood at attention and said, "Pardon me?" and she said, "Tell her to shut up! Just shut her up!" and I said, "I absolutely will not speak to my child that way, and I would appreciate it if you would not speak to her in that manner!" She then started to yell at me, calling me a fat slob, telling me that I was a 'tenant' and was 'one of those people'. She said that I had garbage in my yard, my dog always barked, and that my daughter really bothered her. She started yelling about my BBQ, and I was absolutely mortified. I tried to explain, quite shocked and almost in tears, that I didn't mean to offend her with the BBQ, and hadn't even thought that it would bother her, and that there was no garbage in my yard at all, and that the dog didn't bark, and had never barked while outside in the yard. She was very abusive, and called me a fat slob again and called my daughter a fat slob, too. She said that she was going to get me kicked out of my home, and I responded that I didn't think that was going to happen, that I had a good relationship with the owner of the home, and that the other neighbours that we had gotten to know around us had no problem at all with anything we had done. I pointed out that I had even mowed the other neighbours lawn for them, and that I was planning on doing her lawn the next day. She said I was a fat slob again. I was so shocked! I said again that I didn't realize I was a bother, but that she was not to speak to my daughter, and that I didn't appreciate the way she was speaking to me. I did not know what else to do at that point, I felt so bad! I then took the BBQ to the back garden, locked the dog inside the house, and put my daughter in the garden with me. I was almost crying, and felt horrid!

    I finished the BBQ, went inside and had a good cry, and then went back outside and approace the NFH. I spoke calmly and with sincerity, and I said that I understood that she was upset, that I hadn't realized I was bothering her, that I would never BBQ in the drive again, that my daughter would keep her voice down when playing outside, that we would play in the garden, and that the dog would not bother her what so ever. I told her that she really did hurt my feelings by what she had said about me being a fat slob, and I asked her to please come and speak rationally and calmly to me if we ever were an inconvenience to her again. I told her that we were reasonable people, and that we would never knowingly bother our neighbours. She just sneered at me the entire time, and didn't say anything. I told her again that I was very hurt by what she said, and that I was shocked that she would verbally attack my daughter in the manner that she did. She wouldn't say anything more and kept sneering at me, so I walked back inside and cried and cried until D came home.

    He was quite dismayed at the altercation I'd had, and was so angry that I'd been hurt by the NFH's words. I did calm him, though, and explained that perhaps I was doing things like BBQing in the drive that would set her off. He did understand, and being reasonable, decided he'd go and talk calmly to her when he saw her in the yard next.

    Two days later he saw her out in the yard, so he went out and was very approachable, nice, smiling, and calm, and said to her that he had heard about what had happened with me, his fiance, and wanted to know if there was any issues that she would like to discuss with him so that we could clear the air between us and remain good neighbours. She did not say one nice thing! She immediately told him he was a jackass, and she called him a jackass the whole time he tried to speak to her. She began making judgements against me, saying that since I was 'between husbands' then that must be my problem. First of all, how does she know that I am between husbands since I had never said anything to her about it at all? My ex-husband is my daughters father, and he comes for visitation 2 times per week. We get along quite famously, and are quite good friends, so the ex stays for coffee at times, or we chat in the drive before my daughter goes. She must have been evesdropping or watching in order to know that I was between husbands. Well, to get back to what the NFH said to my fiance, who by the way kept telling her he would like to just have a rational discussion, she said that she knew what type of people we were, and that we were a stain to the neighbourhood. D tried to talk reasonably with her about the fact that we were not staining the neighbourhood, and that she did not know our circumstances. He also told her that just because we choose to lease instead of own at this point should not reflect on our character one bit. She just continued to call him a jackass. At the end he asked her if she would like to discuss any issue at all with him, or if she was getting her kicks out of calling him names and putting us down. She said she didn't have to talk to him, that he was a jackass, and that she was quite enjoying berating him. D mentioned that she had made me cry when she had attacked me and my daughter, and that I felt absolutely terrible about what had happened, and that I had meant no harm. She laughed -- she actually laughed that I was hurt -- and said that I shouldn't be so sensitive then. She commented that we never walked our dog, which is absurd, and that she was going to call the local animal society on us. D said that was absurd, that we did walk the dog, and when we didn't walk him then he went in the back garden, nowhere near her yard, and that it wasn't really any of her business in the first place. D said he really wanted to settle any issues so we could all get along, and she told him to f*** off! D told her she had another chance before he walked back into our house for her to talk rationally about any issues she had, and she told him to f*** off again!

    I was at work, and D called to tell me all that she had said. She had said so many things about her 'opinions' on our private life, that I was appalled, even more so when she had laughed about me crying. I couldn't believe her unreasonable behaviour, and her verbal abuse of my fiance, who genuinely was trying to be reasonable, nice, and a good neighbour. I was a taken aback that she had been obviously spying on us and watching our every move from her windows and her yard. She must have been to know that I was between husbands, and that gave me the creeps.

    I phoned the owner of our property to have a talk about the NFH and what had been said and occurred, and she said that she wouldn't evict us. She understood that I meant no harm, and that the NFH was being unreasonable. I felt that we were being unneccesarrily harrased by this woman, so we called the police.

    We thought perhaps we were being a little drastic in calling the police, but I definitely didn't want the NFH to have opportunity to throw insults at us, to constantly watch and stare at us, and to make us look like NFH because of my original mistake with the BBQ that set her off. The police officer who came took our statement, and went to talk to her. She came back and said that the NFH was a very opinionated old lady who had been in the house for 30 years. The officer had told the NFH that she wasn't to speak with us, had no right to judge us and verbally abuse us, had no right to stare at us or watch us, and that she was to stop the behaviour right away. The officer then advised us that if we were to have any more problems we were to call them right away. She also said that she thought perhaps the old NFH was suffering from mild dementia, and that was perhaps the cause for her aggressive behaviour.

    We were thankful that the NFH would let us alone, and went about our lives. Well, we cannot even go in our drive without her standing in her kitchen window staring at us. My guests drive up in their cars and they get the stare down, sometimes she walks out her door and stands and stares at the guests! Other times, we go into our back garden to get some air and peace, and she comes around in her back garden and stares at us through the fence! If we walk our dog, we avoid her yard at all costs because one time the dog escaped out of the house and ran and peed on her lawn, so D ran out and picked him up, and she ran out of her house and said, "You're going to pick up that mess!", but being that she wasn't supposed to talk to us, nor us to her, he ignored her. She repeated what she had said, and D said, "It is pee. There is no way for me to pick it up." She then went back into her house. I think it's unreasonable to ask us to pick up liquid from a lawn. If he had sh!t, then yes, we would definitely have picked it up. We normally would have profusely apologized for the pee to any other neighbour, but felt that we should not apologize to the NFH considering we weren't to talk to her, and the way she had screamed at him when the dog had peed. We want to be nice to her, but end up not even being polite or neighbourly, we just don't even look her way.

    A few weeks later the owner of out house said that she had been by the house and had seen our NFH in our drive! What the hell? Why was she in our drive? Normally I would go and talk to a neighbour, asking if everything was okay, why were they in our drive? But, again we don't want to aggrivate her, or be abused, so we just don't talk to her. So, I put up a sign on our drive near our side door that says, "PRIVATE DRIVE -- NO TRESPASSING, Violators WILL be prosecuted." That has kept her out of our drive for the time being.

    We did not hear from her since then, but she is contuing to stare at us and watch us, which makes us very uncomfortable. One day we happened to be on our front doorstep when she was walking by our house. She stopped right in front of our drive and just stood there looking down the road away from us -- she just stood there. It was very bizarre. She was smiling, too. We sort of looked at one another, shivered, and went into the house to get away from her.

    Just the other day D was out shovelling the drive to clear the first snowfall of the winter, and he happened to put a few shovel loads on the yard between our drive and her side door. It's about 10 feet wide, the yard seperating our drive from her house. There is nowhere else to put the snow, and it can't be put against our house as there is no yard between the drive and our house and we wouldn't be able to park our vehicles there. The next morning we came out our side door to see a sign in her kitchen window, facing our drive, that says, "OFF -- KEEP OFF MY YARD!" Unbelievable. So now we are going to try to shovel the snow somewhere else, which is a very big hassle for us (where to put it without walking up the front drive to our front lawn and depositing it there), but we do not want to give her any reason to become even more unreasonable.

    Our lease for the house is up in 8 months, and we are going to move when it is over. It is a shame, because we were actually thinking of buying the house, but have since changed our minds as we do not want to own the home and live beside this NFH for however much longer she will be alive. It could be many years.

    Certain outside family members have given me the advice that I should 'love' her because she is old and has no friends and nobody to visit with, nobody that cares for her. I have tried, but I simply cannot bring myself to feel that way for her. I pity her situation, but feel she is a horrid woman, a bitter person who is jealous of me for some reason, hates her life, and has absolutely nothing else to do. I honestly believe she is entertained and excited by her harrassment of us. It spices up her life. It is such a pity, but I cannot love her!! What do you think about that?

    She has to do all her own yard work, as we refuse to do it now for fear she will verbally berate us further. We do not want to talk to her for fear she will increase her harrassment, and I am afraid that she is setting up to get worse and begin harrassing us again since the sign went up in her kitchen window. She was probably very distressed that I put the private drive sign in my drive. She'd have known she was caught walking in my drive. I have no idea why she was in my drive, but that was a type of behaviour I did not want to continue, by her or any other person.

    Suffice it to say, it is now mostly her constant staring and spying on us from her windows that has me jumping to get the heck out of this house in 8 months. Just the small amount I have had to endure has been enough to make me uncomfortable in my own home, in my own yard, to keep me from sending my daughter out to play, to force me to only walk the dog in one direction down the street for fear that even our mere presence in front of her home walking by to get to our drive will set her off again. I do not use the side door, and actually walk around the front of the house so that I do not have to come in and out the side door just to see her staring at me. In short, I hate living here because of her.

    I've read what other people have gone through, and my situation isn't nearly as bad. Reading others stories has helped me to feel better, I don't feel so down and oppressed. I was feeling very oppressed in my own home, like the gistapo was watching me all the time in the form of my NFH. D, my daughter, and now my mother (who's moved in with us due to health concerns) all feel the oppression, too. Although the verbal abuse is at an end (I think only because we called the police the second time), I think our NFH would gladly jump at the chance, and is finding other ways, to harrass us -- even if it is just from staring everybody down and watching our every move.

    All I want is for her to mind her own business, leave us alone, stop staring at us so we can get on with our lives in peace and harmony. Thank goodness for this site, as I feel uplifted, supported, and most of all, I feel more confident that I can walk in my own drive, and be myself in my yard and garden. I can't explain why, just that knowing this problem exists elsewhere has convinced me that I'm not the bad neighbour and that we really did try to make amends when we realized we had offended her.

    Thanks, and I'll definitely return! This is a great place!


  • #2
    Hey N, a big welcome to you and your family

    firstly, do you love that house?

    are you wanting to buy it really?

    if she is very old and slowly going potty, she might not be round much longer!! :lol:

    sorry, some might think thats cruel of me, we do have many members here whos NFH are elderly, infact sometimes they are worse than "us young 'uns!!"

    I am glad you had help from the police, you should write it all down, dates and times in case you need to go back to the police again

    there are some blank logs

    A great tip for staring NFH....SUN GLASSES!! it really works, they cant see your eyes to read your emotions,

    I know you will get loads of support so please come back often!


    • #3
      Hey Beth!

      Sunglasses are a great idea! I will definitely start using mine regularly, and we'll see what happens!

      I know what you are saying about her age and everything -- don't think I haven't thought it myself! I think it's natural to want them to go away, and although I wish her no unnatural harm, if her time comes sometime soon I would not be in great grievance over it. That's the truth!

      Thanks for the link to the logs. I've been keeping a diary of incidences, no matter how trivial to an outside person, because you never know -- the small details could add up to a larger picture.

      As for the house, we do love it, but there are updates that need to be done which we would have to buy the house to be able to do. Although we fancy the home, we are just as happy to pick another home, perhaps one with updates already included, that we will love. It's not a big deal to not buy it. We love the home, but -- there are many homes for sale in the area. I can't wait to get away from her!

      Thanks for the support. I'll definitely keep you all updated any time she pulls something new.




      • #4
        Hi N,

        No-one's story is trivial in comparison here. We all know how wearing NFHs can be especially if you have to live alongside them.

        This old bat may die next year or in the next twenty. You've seen how NFH problems can drag on for years so consider yourself lucky that at least you've found out what she's like before buying.

        Keep silent, phone the police if there's a problem(I wish our police were as good as yours!) and wait till you can move.

        If you can avoid living next to an NFH then you should do so IMO.

        Now, these creatures are bringers of death and misery. They will never eat, they will never sleep, and they will never stop.

        We are part of an ancient secret society. For three thousand years we have guarded the Cities and Towns. We are sworn at manhood to do any and all in our power to stop the NFH from ever being reborn into this world.

        So what's the plan?

        Rescue the damsel in distress, stop the bad guys, save the world.


        • #5
          Hi Livinghell - welcome to the NFH board.

          NFHs love the staring game - but there are ways to overcome it. The sunglasses is a great idea!, and also just plain 'orneriness' - for want of an americanism (sorry, you said you were Canadian). My nfh loves staring at me - he's so sad, especially when I'm in my garden, taking in my shopping etc. Usually this is accompanied by various hawking and spitting (lovely), and the other night I was met with the loudest belch. My strategy is to show pure ignorance - whatever he is doing, that's up to him, but it's not going to affect how I go about my life. I blank him - it's like a huge wall between me and him. I smile walking up the path to my house, taking a measured slow step. If he wants to look - let him! Stuff him - if that's all he's got to do with his time he is indeed a very sad creature. Unfortunately he has the high ground over my garden and path, so there's absolutely no way to avoid it, except mentally.

          I know it's hard, but you have to do it in small stages to get used to it. Eventually they should get the hint that they are not affecting you by staring, and you start to enjoy your life and your home again.

          Keep the log - it will be useful to show your landlord if nothing else.

          keep on visiting - and best wishes.


          • #6
            Hi N

            Again welcome, and I'm so sorry to read of the problems that you have been having.

            Firstly, from what you have described, I can't see how you could possibly think that you are in any way a NFH!! You have gone out of your way to be friendly and even when faced with very personal insults, you have turned the other cheek (something that not many people do these days!).

            Okay, so maybe you could have had the BBQ in a position so that it wasn’t facing her door, but millions of us have BBQs each year without having to suffer from personal insults from our neighbours. And what rot about berating your daughter for playing in her own garden.

            Your neighbour is a vicious, horrid old woman with no friends who is probably going to die the same. She’s made absolutely no attempt to reconcile with you or apologise for being very rude. She seems to relish in the anguish and torment that you are going through.

            I really do pray that I don’t end my days on this earth in this way – what a legacy she’s leaving – and what a waste of her life

            From the sounds of things, she’s probably become very used to your house being empty for so long, and has had the run of things. As you say, she really doesn’t seem to have anything better to do with her time, so who knows what’s going on in her small silly little mind.

            I had a nosey neighbour problem for many years. Well the term nosey neighbour doesn’t even start to go there really. At times it felt like he was almost stalking us. Whenever we went outside into the garden, or to get into our cars, there he was (sometimes he’d be almost tripping over himself to get out of the house in time to catch us). He used to look through our front windows to see if we were in. And where we couldn’t make eye contact in the end, he’d just stand and stare at us until we were out of sight. Okay, so he was never abusive, so maybe this doesn’t sound like a real problem to some people, but it turned me into such a nervous introverted person inside my own house.

            We moved eventually and it was such a relief to get away, so I can understand why you will probably want to move when your lease finishes. I don’t really blame you, but if you do really love the house, then do give it some serious thought.

            I suppose a positive thing is that she hasn’t insulted you or your daughter since the police visited her (it sounds like they were very supportive to you BTW). And the sign has made her think twice too, so if anything else occurs, then please don’t hesitate to contact the police again.

            If you see her looking at you from her window – you could always try giving her a big grin and some over the top waving B) (but you need a lot of stamina for this approach!). It would be interesting to see if this phases her at all. Other than that, I think that giving her as wide a berth as possible is the best plan of action.

            As for loving her, I’m struggling to find anything that I could love about this woman :sad:

            Blue Cow


            • #7
              Hi N Welcome to NFHiB (we seem to have had a few visitors/members from Canada!)

              So sorry to hear that this old bag is making your lives hell.....this is not the sole territory of youth, by any means!

              I haven't much to add to the great support/advice given by other members - except more support. Do come back often, have a rant whenever you feel like it....we all do it when we need to!

              Hope that some of the tips help make life easier, and help you decide whether staying put is worth it.




              • #8
                Hithere, Living Hell

                Just wanted to add my words of welcome. i hope you get a lot of support from this site and that it helps you cope better with your NFH.

                I tend to think this old biddy is very unhappy and lonely. she has succeeded in getting herself a new hobby, and that is harrassing you. :angry:

                reading through your story, i had to groan...although you dont have the same problem i had, the way you responded initially to the problem and the way you have had to live with the consequences afterwards is very similar to my situation and i do feel for you. I dont know if you feel the same way i do. i feel i made a very big mistake... i wish i had never said a word to my NFH. the part of your story where you said your fiance told the NFH you had cried made me feel really showed your NFH she had clearly got to you, and this would have made her feel she had the upper hand and frankly she would have been over the moon to hear how successfully she had upset you. :cry:

                i also tried , rationally to clear the air with my NFH, but if i had been just a bit less naive, i would have realised she was intent on causing a row and that nothing i said would have changed things. i should have just walked away and kept my dignity. that was my mistake. :banghead:

                beth has suggested you wear sunglasses, this is a great idea. also if youcan bear it, try waving cheerily at the silly old bat if you see her staring at you. if you can also muster up a smile that will drive her nuts as she will wonder and fester as to why you are so happy... :P

                i also moved because of my NFH, as you have also decided to. this forum was very helpful in getting me through that time as i knew i could come here and get a sense of perspective. as i was selling my house i certainly didnt want any rows with the NFH! so keep visiting here as it will keep your spirits up!


                I decree today that life

                Is simply taking and not giving

                England is mine - it owes me a living

                But ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye

                Oh, ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye ~ Morrisey/Marr

                Politics is Showbusiness for ugly people ~ Jay Leno

                I don't like liars, I don't like cheats. I don't like bullsh***ters. I don't like schmoozers. I don't like ar*e-lickers. ~ Sir Alan Sugar

                "Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford." ~ Samuel Johnson

                The secret of success is the capacity to overcome failure ~ Noel Coward

                An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today ~ Laurence J. Peter

                Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine ~ Lord Byron

                Better bread with water than cake with trouble ~ Russian Proverb

                There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a cup of tea ~ Bernard-Paul Heroux

                Carpe Diem

                Give Yourself to It ~ Sue Gadenne


                • #9
                  Hi N and once again, welcome

                  I'm being charitable here, your NFH sounds as if she might be suffering from some form of dementia. She's also lonely but as others have said, she has only herself to blame for that. Perhaps the presence of your family reminds her of when she was younger with a family of her own and she is envious of your happiness. Old people quite often get 'crabby', moreso if they are left to their own devices with no friends or family to keep an eye on them.

                  Of course none of this helps you. Why should you be her 'punchbag' ? I've used the sunglasses ploy for many a year and it works a treat, especially if you get those mirrored glasses I think you and your fiance have been more than reasonable but in being so you have opened yourselves up to her campaign of harassment. She knows she's got to you. Maybe a cheery 'hello' if you see her will put her off guard, but it might also make her more determined to 'up the ante'.

                  Maybe she's been 'crabby' all her life and that's why nobody visits. I'm going to indulge myself now and post this poem about a 'Crabbit old Woman'. It might help, give you some insight into her world. It was supposedly found in an old lady's belongings after she died in a care home.

                  "Crabbit Old Woman"

                  What do you see, what do you see?

                  Are you thinking, when you look at me-

                  A crabbit old woman, not very wise,

                  Uncertain of habit, with far-away eyes,

                  Who dribbles her food and makes no reply

                  When you say in a loud voice,

                  I do wish you'd try.

                  Who seems not to notice the things that you do

                  And forever is loosing a stocking or shoe.

                  Who, unresisting or not; lets you do as you will

                  With bathing and feeding the long day is fill.

                  Is that what you're thinking,

                  Is that what you see?

                  Then open your eyes,

                  nurse, you're looking at me.

                  I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still!

                  As I rise at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

                  I'm a small child of 10 with a father and mother,

                  Brothers and sisters, who loved one another-

                  A young girl of 16 with wings on her feet,

                  Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet,

                  A bride soon at 20- my heart gives a leap,

                  Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

                  At 25 now I have young of my own

                  Who need me to build a secure happy home;

                  A woman of 30, my young now grow fast,

                  Bound to each other with ties that should last;

                  At 40, my young sons have grown and are gone,

                  But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn;

                  At 50 once more babies play around my knee,

                  Again we know children, my loved one and me.

                  Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,

                  I look at the future, I shudder with dread,

                  For my young are all rearing young of their own.

                  And I think of the years and the love that I've known;

                  I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel-

                  Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.

                  The body is crumbled, grace and vigor depart,

                  There is now a stone where I once had a heart,

                  But inside this old carcass, a young girl still dwells,

                  And now and again my battered heart swells,

                  I remember the joy, I remember the pain,

                  And I'm loving and living life over again.

                  I think of the years all too few- gone too fast.

                  And accept the stark fact that nothing can last-

                  So open your eyes, nurse, open and see,

                  Not a crabbit old woman, look closer-

                  See Me.

                  Good luck, whatever you decide to do, buy or move I hope things improve for you and your family

                  "Almost anything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Gandhi


                  • #10
                    Wow, everybody is so supportive here!

                    I love some of your suggestions! I don't think I want to smile and wave at her, as that is what I did at the very beginning before she attacked us but wasn't responding to me when I smiled and waved at her. I think if I were to smile and wave, she'd feel she had to 'up the ante' as somebody here said. I'd rather 'blank' her, I think that's a great idea!

                    I agree that she has probably been the way she is for a long time and that is why nobody comes to see her. I totally agree that she has nothing else in her life, and we've become her new hobby, which is creepy and a shame. I really don't think she'll pass on anytime soon. For her age, my NFH is pretty active, shoveling her own yard, raking her own leaves, out and about in the garden. I mean, you never know, but like my D said, people like her tend to hang on forever!

                    Good poem, Misty. I think it's lovely, and have read it before. I think of the woman in the poem as my grandmother, or some of the elderly people who I've lived beside in the past. Lovely, caring folks all who would never act like my neighbour. I'm sure she had a life, had a husband, and I know she has some children, all grown and living away from here. That is why I somewhat pity her situation, and understand why she is doing what she is doing to us. That doesn't make it any easier for me to tolerate, although the sunglasses idea is great!

                    I love the idea about taking her picture whenever she's staring, then writing in the notebook, or when she says something just write it down, smile, and don't respond. haha!!!!!!! I love it! I don't think I could do it, though. Why give her reason to begin upping the ante again? I think she'd call the police on us, and although we would have a chance to tell our side of the story and show our notes and photos, I think it's actually against the law to take somebody's photo without their permission. She is violating our privacy, completely, but I don't think I need to play games with her by taking her picture -- that's a violation of privacy as well, and I definitely want to avoid stooping to that level. I'm sure you'll agree! :-)

                    (Side note: The emoticons/smilies aren't working for me at all, none of them or the pictures show up. Maybe just my computer and/or link?)

                    Annabel, I understand how you felt. It stung a bit when I found out her reaction to my crying, and how she'd really hurt me. I began to wonder if she thought she'd won one over on me when she found out about that, but then I realized it doesn't really matter if she does think that. The only thing that matters is how I feel about it, and I don't think that way. She didn't win anything, even if she thinks she did. Good for her then, win away. If she ever attacks me again, I might tear up, maybe even cry, but most of all I'll call the police, and she knows it. I'm agahst as to how a person can live with themselves being the type of person who laughs if somebody cry's, attacks children and their mothers, attacks people trying to be nice and reasonable. I suppose that somewhere in her mind she feels justified and alive from doing it. Neither myself, nor anybody else, is really going to change her mind about anything. She's set in her ways! All I can hope for is no more verbal harrassment, and ignore her staring. I'll try the glasses, and I will look very happy in my own yard! I will not rush to get out of her view, just like Flossie! :-)

                    also just plain 'orneriness' - for want of an americanism (sorry, you said you were Canadian).

                    No worries! We use the word orneriness in Canada, too! LOL! Not too often, but it comes out from time to time. :-)

                    I do not want to stay here, and I'm looking to move. My mother told me that once she was living in a home, renting, with us kids and dad, and they had a NFH who did all sorts of horrid things and harrassed them, and when we all moved out the lady stood on her front lawn and clapped as we went out the drive!! Unbelievable! I guess the phenomena of NFH is widespread!

                    I think that you're all wonderful! It's great to come here and rant, and to hear people who understand and sympathize with you! You've all said things that I've thought, and a lot of your conclusions about my NFH are exactly the same conclusions I came to. I think that's excellent, and thanks so much for being here!



                    • #11
                      Hey janee!

                      Thanks. I agree that her behaviour is unacceptable, but it does help me to understand things better if I can see why she does what she does. It allows me to be more tolerant, thus less aggrivated, by her actions. In understanding I'm not making excuses for her, I am simply allowing myself some realization of the truth of the situation, which does make me feel better. At least I can actually see what her problems are, even if she can't. I don't have to be like her. She doesn't have any understanding of me. Why should I be like that? I feel better being able to understand why she does the things she does. I don't have to look at her then and wish I could pummel her... LOL! I can look at her and simply despise her for the sad creature she is. :-)

                      I totally agree with you that she gets her energy and power out of attacking us. I'm sure she saw us and my nice demeanor towards her and swooped in for an energy and power feast as soon as she could. I'm positive that it wasn't the BBQ or anything else, it was that she had become very used to living beside an empty home, and when we moved in she didn't like it. It wouldn't have mattered what we'd done, she was looking for any reason to come over and yell and scream at us. I know that she's feeling at a loss of power because she cannot confront us without us calling the police. I know she is suffering from it, as I can see her becoming more agitated, waiting for any chance what so ever to jump on us about something. The other day it was because we put a shovel full or two of snow on 'her' side of the yard seperating our drive from her house. She put a sign in her window "OFF -- KEEP OFF MY YARD!". She's just salivating, waiting for us to screw up. Well, I try not to think about her too much, or I get really upset that we have to live under her judgemental and oppressive eye all the time. I just want to scream at her: GET A LIFE!! :-)

                      Perhaps look forward to your wedding and your future home, and your future life too. At least you know you will not be putting up with her forever

                      Yes! Great idea, that is what I spend my time on lately, and thanks for noticing. The best thing will be to move the hell away from here, and her, as soon as possible!



                      • #12
                        Hi Again N

                        I'm glad that you have found the advice helpful, and hope that next time she starts up one of her little spying games that you maybe find it a little easier to deal with??

                        I think that Janee is spot on with what she has said, especially about looking towards the future. Not in the least becasue that at some stage in the near future, you will be shot of her for good!

                        And just think...the next people that move into your house may not be such pleasant and understanding neighbours. She may just bite off more than she can chew.

                        Mmm....about the smilies, what exactly happens when you click on them?

                        Take care

                        Blue Cow


                        • #13
                          Hi N

                          Just wanted to say Hi and welcome! You've already had great help and advice - as ever .

                          I am glad you are finding it to be a help here - that's what it's all about. :thumbs:

                          I wanted to say that you should also forget trying to think how she's feeling. My NFH is also elderly, and I used to spend much of my time in bewilderment because I would very often put myself in their shoes and try to imagine what their problem was and how they were feeling etc. Plus getting all paranoid about what heinous thing I had done to bring this all on...What a waste of energy!

                          These types simply don't think like the rest of us, we cannot put ourselves in their shoes - they ain't rational!

                          I get all the fishy stares too, and the 'sneaky peeking' from the windows (and over the fence too). I used to get very upset indeed about this, but now I can deal with it cos I can see an escape (I will be getting a lovely wall to block it out).

                          You are escaping too - so look forward to that day because it will soon come! And don't give the old bat any more attention to thrive on - ignore the stupid old BEEP!

                          Best wishes




                          • #14
                            Blue, Mazza, Hazelnut! YES! You do totally understand! You should see, I'm dancing in my chair, I'm so happy to find others who understand!! I agree, I shouldn't spend too much time thinking about where her head is, because you're right: She doesn't think like me! No way hosay. I can only hope upon hope that the next neighbours are tough bastrds, and she does bite off more than she can chew! Maybe, by some miracle, her time will come before July and we won't have to move. We really are moving on only because of her.

                            grate NFH’s eyes out with a nutmeg grater!

                            :lol: :thumbs:

                            That's fantastic! Brilliant!

                            Good lord, you know your NFH sounds so familiar... all your NFH's sound so familiar to me! They all have that same nastiness about them, it amazes me. Good for you for taking a stand and deciding to stare right back at her and make comments. I'm sure that after years of putting up with her behaviour, it will feel good to finally take back the reins of your life and control your own yard, home, and garden! Way to go! Keep us updated!


                            ps: When I click on the smilie's and emoticons, the symbol automatically goes into my message, but when I look I can see no picture, only a box with a red x in it. Curious.


                            • #15
                              Thanks Sweet Pea, that's so brilliant of you to say! I like the way you put fancey do. Brits really do say things differently, and I love it!