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  • mediation at an end

    And ! Nothing has really been resolved. So basically he's got away with it. We had a sort of pre-meeting with the mum, and that was very interesting. He just wouldn't agree to a meeting at all (all in my favour, thank you).

    She has no clue what he gets up to while she's not there. She's well aware there's a problem, and he's had treatment for his drinking (he's only 21 for goodness sake), but she doesn't seem able to kick him out. I feel she needs as much help as we do! She's on her own, and has little support from others. She's a bit scared of him when drunk, as although no directly violent to her, he gets rowdy. Now I know you'll all say she should just kick him out, but that's not easy for her and I have to accept that.

    But! He's thinking of moving out :thumbs: (please, please, please!). Though how he's supposed to pay rent I don't know. Also - she's thinking of moving to Spain :thumbs: (ditto) - but I think I'll still move as who knows what the new neighbours would be like, and as their house is total laminate hell, I dread to think what new people would be like unintentionally!.

    He's trying it on a bit - acting superior when I come home with his music playing loud in the kitchen, swaggering about. But I look at him, and feel that horrible feeling in my stomach (you know the one I mean), and then realise that he has nothing. Absolutely nothing. He has no life. And I have. I have a lovely husband and child, a supportive family. I have a job and earn money where I can enjoy things in life. He has none of that, and I don't care. That's his problem and it makes me feel better when I think of him in those terms. He can't make me feel anything I don't want to.

    And! (sorry if rambling a bit) mum and I have swapped mobile and phone numbers, and I've just to phone her with anything that happens so that she knows.

    I'm going to phone my council (again) to see what I have to do next, as I know his reasonably ok behaviour won't last. I've done everything they said so far, so they'd better have something good for me!

    Thanks for listening!

  • #2
    Hi flossie

    Thanks for that - I hope that he does move out so that you can get some peace.

    Good for you for pushing mediation as far as you can. You are so much better than him and being able to think of him a certain way will help you in coping until he's gone. I think you're right to feel a little sorry for his mum, but at the end of the day, she needs to be strong enough to say "no" and mean it.

    Take care


    • #3
      Hi Flossie,

      The man's a loser I feel a little sorry for his mum. When all's said and done he's her son. But if he is moving that will be a bonus. Don't worry about how he'll pay his rent, that's his problem :P

      Good luck with the next step, whatever it might be, you deserve some peace in your life

      "Almost anything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Gandhi


      • #4

        Flossie, I kind of see your situation as a success, as it seems you have turned that corner, suddenly the NFH is so much more trivial in your life, a meaningless worthless lump of idiocy, best left to stew in his own cesspit of a life.

        i hope at least you feel that the problem has diminished somewhat and is more an issue for HIM rather than you...

        I decree today that life

        Is simply taking and not giving

        England is mine - it owes me a living

        But ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye

        Oh, ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye ~ Morrisey/Marr

        Politics is Showbusiness for ugly people ~ Jay Leno

        I don't like liars, I don't like cheats. I don't like bullsh***ters. I don't like schmoozers. I don't like ar*e-lickers. ~ Sir Alan Sugar

        "Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford." ~ Samuel Johnson

        The secret of success is the capacity to overcome failure ~ Noel Coward

        An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today ~ Laurence J. Peter

        Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine ~ Lord Byron

        Better bread with water than cake with trouble ~ Russian Proverb

        There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a cup of tea ~ Bernard-Paul Heroux

        Carpe Diem

        Give Yourself to It ~ Sue Gadenne


        • #5
          Well done Flossie.

          I remember when I first registered here that people said that we must remember that we are stronger than them (nfh).

          This thought, we hold onto daily and it is so true. You yourself have proved it!

          Draining being strong though, isn't it!?

          Hope all works out well for you.

          "You have to be the change you wish to see in the world"


          • #6
            WELL- DONE flossie, at least some good has come out of it, his own mother must of had enough (as well as you) hope he gets a life and stays out of yours. all the best to you and your family.


            • #7
              Hi Flossie

              Well done for seeing it through. He sounds a real sad case, and at 21, it doesn't seem like he has much of a future. Good luck if you do move, I hope that you find some peace.

              Blue Cow


              • #8
                Flossie, hi and nice to hear from you!

                It's quite a mixed result isn't it? In one way, you have gone through the process, demonstrating you are reasonable, and have tried everything to try to resolve the situation (although there is little you could do, except give him opportunity to hear your side and modify his behaviour in a decent manner!). I suppose that IF he doesn't move, you have ammunition to make your next move, although that will have a big impact on his mum. Shame HE hasn't the decency to consider that.

                I really do hope he moves out! If he's not working, hopefully he'll find somewhere of a level of rent that Housing Benefit will pay for, then he's out of your hair

                I'm glad you have the moral/ethical pecking order of you and him well-established in your mind, as you are in the superior position in all respects. Do hang on to that, and enjoy the things in life you have and have you say, he can't touch that

                Good luck with things, and do let us know how you go




                • #9
                  thanks you lot - yes, you have to find lots of little tricks to make it go away in your head. Even though it is a lot quieter, I am now super-sensitive to noise. I have to stop and listen carefully when a noise is irritating me to discover that it's probably my own central heating system or somesuch. I haven't needed to phone his mum yet, but I think that's what I'll do first if and when it starts up again. he is trying to act superior, but I just think of his pathetic life and think - he's welcome to it. She should come down hard on him, and has been my ace card really.

                  Another trick I've found helps me mentally is to play a song in my head. For some reason I don't get so stressed, diverting my brain to thinking about something else. You have to think of all the words and the tune, or it doesn't work. (Kind of 'King and I' type thing, but you don't have to do it out loud! LOL)

                  Anyway - I'll keep my eye open here and give support where I can. Lots of other problems going on, so I need to relegate this to the back-burner for now. Why is life never simple! I would encourage people to go for mediation. Our lot were very good, and were truly gutted when it didn't get to a meeting stage. They were a great help.

                  Good luck to everyone, and thanks to all for your kind words and support.


                  • #10
                    Hi flossie

                    Thanks a lot for sharing this whole process with has been good for everyone to get a flavour of the experience. It's a real shame that he didn't cooperate, but I suppose that will often happen. However it did demonstrate quite a bit about him, which could be very useful if you have to start things up again. It is interesting to hear that, even tho' you didn't get your desired outcome, you would encourage others to try it.

                    Thanks again, wishing you luck, and do keep in touch!