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mediation meeting - nfh isn't going!

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  • mediation meeting - nfh isn't going!

    Got a call last night from the mediator to say he definitely wasn't going. She was really gutted, as she's worked very hard on this. She thought my refusal to speak to him the other night was just the excuse he needed - but I'm not taking any blame.

    He wanted to postpone it, or just meet with me (with mediators). Postponing is ok by me, but it means my OH is unlikely to be able to attend, so I'd have to take someone else. Just meeting with me is a big no no. It's not just me he has the problem with (although he'd like to think so), and his mum should be there anyway, as she doesn't know the half of what's been going on.

    So I've suggested shuttle mediation for now, hopefully leading to a meeting. It's making me physically ill now (got the docs next week), so think if I could avoid the extra stress of court then this would be better.

    Mediator made it clear to him that I was quite at liberty to close the case and go to another 'agency', where his participation might not be voluntary. But I don't think he's listening. His mum is pretty upset too, although I haven't seen her.

    So, we'll see what happens next. I'm supposed to give the mediator some points to take to him, but the list is too long at present!

  • #2
    Hi Flossie

    How frustrating, and after all this!! :badmood: However, you do not have to speak to the idiot if you don't wish, so don't take any blame on board about that. You have wisely been trying to keep communication with him to mediation communication. He's taking his bat and ball home because he can see you are serious and cannot be deviated from your path.

    Now, the Council directed you to try mediation first, which you have pursued, even tho' you were vey worried about it. Time, I think to persevere a bit longer, but talk to the Council about next steps if this breaks down because of his refusal.

    I know that his mum was quite supportive of you, has she just washed her hands of the process? Has she talked about throwing him out if he doesn't grow up and co-operate? That would certainly ease the problem in one fell-swoop! Not sure, but are they council tenants, and if so is the Housing Office taking any action? This would be against the mum, but it could mean she has to think hard whether she lets him stay. She really has a responsibility in this, and she neds to take some of it if he is not co-operating.

    I know it's really disheartening you, but stick to your guns and DON'T talk to him alone. You have done all that has been asked of you and been eminently reasonable, that's got to count for something. Do have a chat with the Council, about what next

    Sorry, not to have been more help, but try not to let it get you too down. It may have been worthwhile, if only for the relative peace it has brought for a while, and to show the Council that you have done all you can to sort things out. Don't give up, Flossie




    • #3
      Unfortunately we're both private tenants. I have contacted our Council's neighbourhood complaints unit to ask for further advice, and someone is going to phone me tonight. I've told the mediators about this because I feel the current problems are:

      1. Do I want too much? It has been very quiet for the last two months (no drunken behaviour). But how much is down to mother keeping him under control? What I want is for him to realise how much hurt he has caused by his actions - he won't face up to this.

      2. Because it's been quiet, maybe I have less chance of an asbo now. But who's to say it will stay quiet? It never has before when we've had lulls.

      So I want to speak to the council officer to see what my options are - just for advice really. For some reason, our mediators can't then act for us if I register with the council office, as they are seen as impartial and the council isn't.

      I feel I maybe need a meeting with the mum with mediator? Then at least I could get across everything that's been happening. That might be another way forward.

      Urgh. I just wish it was all over.


      • #4
        Hi Flossie

        I know you're in Scotland, and things work a little differently than in England, but worth asking council if they have a dept. dealing with the private rented sector? Maybe they could advise on putting pressure on the landlord?

        Can't get why he just can't admit he's been in the wrong! He must realise it to some degree if he's modified his behaviour somewhat! At least if he agrees to acknowledge your points, and keep things reasonable would be something!

        I think you still need to talk to the Council about ASBOs, as you're quite right, he could start up again at any time. And if mediation ends, he may feel that he can get away with bad behaviour again and think nothing can stop him.

        At least if you could meet with mum and mediator you can get across that if anything starts up again, you will take any action you can as you're not prepared to put up with any more stress. Perhaps it would be approprate to bring up the fact that she, too, can play a part in stopping him if his behaviour escalates again. If the tenancy is hers, and she doesn't stop his behaviour, then she needs to realise she is responsible for allowing him to disturb neighbours!

        Best of luck, Flossie and don't let this g*t grind you down!



        • #5
          Thanks sapphirelily. She owns the house (hubby died a few years ago and she owns it now). NFH is 21, doesn't work, doesn't really contribute in any way to household as far as I know. Why she puts up with them all I don't know (his brothers are worse!) LOL.