CHAPTER 22

You and the Law

When you’re not busy pumping up the volume on your stereo / getting drunk / snogging your partner’s mates in the garden / abusing innocent people verbally in the street, make sure you have a dodgy deal going all the time. Peddling drugs is usually best (instant revenue). Grass up your drug-dealing friends often to the rozzers.

Just in case the old bill forget where you are, have regular domestic fights spilling into the street. Then call the police for help as your partner is ‘smashing up your ********* home’. Demand they attend immediately – after all, you are entitled to all the protection you can get and you would expect them to turn up on the double when you have a problem.

If, on the other hand, any of your neighbours call the police on you…..that is totally out of order! How dare they! Make them suffer! You’ve got the power! Step up the harassment, the noise and the frequency of insults! Do whatever it takes to get the message across to your neighbours that you will not tolerate having the law called on you! Teach ’em a lesson, yeah!

In the unlikely event that you are requested to appear in court to defend yourself, do not worry too much about it. In most cases the hearing will never take place as the judicial system is far too clogged up and someone at the CPS will decide that your case need not be heard at court at all. Yeah! Right! At least the CPS are fully clued up! They know you are not in the wrong and they protect you! Ain’t it nice to have friends like that? You’ll be larfin’ all the way to the bank……them idiots who dared press charges against you pay their taxes (and thus the salaries of CPS employees), yet they are on your side, not theirs! Brill, eh?

Should a hearing be set after all (not bl**dy likely!), this is your chance to really prove how well you can play the system. At first hearing, turn up and claim not to have legal representation. No judge in his right mind would go ahead as his ruling would be overturned anyway, seeing as you’re so poor you never had a solicitor! You may have had months to sort out a solicitor, but that is totally beside the point! You ain’t got none and that’s that! When leaving the court and passing your enemies, make sure you appear triumphant and gloat!! See their long faces??? Ha ha ha! Not with you they don’t, pah!

Another hearing set for about four weeks later. Now, you ain’t stupid……so the solicitor lark won’t work again and you know it. Now what? Rope in the family, a critically ill mother who is on her last legs in a hospital! Yeah! That’ll do the trick! So, off you go and implement this brilliant scheme. It works, of course – but then, you already knew that, didn’t you? So what if said mother is seen happily walking the street, munching a pasty….sod ’em all! You are in the right and no one else.

Two successes in a row…..blimey, you really are good, aint’cha?

By now, you feel really chuffed with yourself. You got it sorted all right! You’re Queen Bee of this street and make no mistake about it.

Life’s great. Britain’s a great place to be for people like you. Cocooned, protected, handled with kid gloves, everything paid for, do as you please with never a fear of any repercussions. Could life get any better? As far as you’re concerned, political correctness is the best thing since sliced bread! Because it works – for you!

So you’ve not paid your rent for almost two years? And? Who’s gonna get you out? No one! Besides, isn’t Housing Benefit spent far better on other things like frequent cabs and takeaways? Surely you know what’s best and you are entitled to spend the money as you see fit. Human rights, right? And you know your rights all right! Your neighbours’ rights? WHAT??? You kidding??? Who are they?

Submitted by: Chimurenga