CHAPTER 18

Don’t ever, ever apologise for behaviour…

1. Find suitable accommodation, preferably a densely populated block of flats with really thin walls.

2. Give neighbour a false sense of security by staying quiet for a few weeks.

3. Start music. Ensure bass is loud enough to wake the dead.

4. Walk around the flat like you weigh the same as a mammoth.

5. Respond to any hints or requests to turn the music down by turning it up; don’t forget to maximise that bass.

6. Make love so everyone knows about it. Ensure your headboard threatens to smash through the walls and you, your bed and your lover land in the street below.

7. Have the nerve to smile and say hello when you see your long suffering neighbours.

8. Don’t forget – when you’re beating the living daylights out of your partner, make sure she screams loudly enough to destroy everyone’s lie in.

9. Don’t ever, ever apologise for the behaviour of your latest ‘overnight visitor’.

10. Act completely surprised when the authorities finally catch up with you and kick you out. After all, it’s your god given right to play loud music isn’t it?

Submitted by: Anon.