CHAPTER 14

When locked out proceed so . . .

When your partner, sick of your lolling, drunkenly on the lap of all and every pawing slob at the local ‘social club’ has stomped off home and locked you out:

Scream abuse through letter box and hammer on door with half empty wine bottle. On discovering other half of wine has stained your mutton-dressed-as-lamb little-black-suit, step back from door and scream imprecations at partner (it is his fault of course) importer and bottler of wine, residents of road, habitués of social club and threaten to sue council for having door that required attacking with bottle to smash glass to gain entry to inside catch of lock.

Remember to use gutter argot continually – but only 3 words repeated continuously are allowed – but choice of 3 is free. Throw shoes in general direction of window. Stumble around in weeds attempting to find same. Do not forget to use your 3-word phrase – order of words to be slurred, mumbled and ‘spoonerized’ in as varied a manner as possible when combined with off-topic ramblings.

Loudly announce intention to return to club to **** the ******* who is obviously worth a **** because he is more ****ing interested/interesting than partner. Knock over at least 6 wheelie bins in progress down road. In staggering, cause at least 3 near/actual accidents per 100 metres, owing to constant unintended diversions into road (only one shoe having been recovered from weeds and subsequent difference in heel height being at least 4″). Swear at drivers who dare to honk – if they actually stop to remonstrate, sight of smeared makeup will frighten off any possible retribution. Lose way, sleep under privet hedge with skirt hiked around hips and tights in shreds.

Submitted by: Tannasg (Big Mama)