CHAPTER 12

Buy a pet – why stop at one…….?

Buy a pit bull terrier. Do not register it. Purchase widest black leather collar containing as many 1″ studs as obtainable. Chain it up without exercise for maximum noise value. Taunt it to achieve maximum viciousness.

Obtain tom kitten. Train it (in public park – your garden does not have proper plants in it and weeds are not the objective) to dig up cultivated plants. Train it to urinate frequently everywhere but your own property.

Obtain unpleasant reptile with most unpleasant appearance possible, preferably containing violent colouring as this is widely recognised as symptomatic of venomous traits. If none such available locally, Day-Glo paint can be bought in small cans from DIY stores. Apply then drape reptile around neck and wear in public places. For maximum effect, wear in places where viewers cannot escape – buses, trains etc, unless additional pleasure can be obtained by causing panic in public place.

Obtain skunk. Dye telltale white streak black with permanent Clairol dye. Train to lead. Take into public places where people must spend long periods of time – Local Authority Housing Departments and Post Offices on Monday mornings and Thursdays particularly recommended for this.

Submitted by: Tannasg (Big Mama)