CHAPTER 1

Most noise possible!

To cause your Neighbour the most noise possible, always ensure that you never turn your hi-fi on before Midnight. Make sure it’s loudly switched on, ideally from about 1am. Plenty of bass sound is preferable, and always turn the volume up so you have to shout above it to be heard!

Cause maximum annoyance: Drill into your neighbours wall, save DIY jobs until Sunday morning (ideally around 6am onwards).

Go round your house; pull up every trace of any carpet. Make sure you remove all rugs too. Take care to remove other items in adjoining rooms to next door to cause maximum possible echo’s and noise. Take delight in ‘stomping’ around the room to cause your Neighbour as much distress as you can!

Why party away from home when you can do it next door?! Party to your heart’s content, all nighters are best and the most disturbing!

Want to argue with your partner? That’s fine! But make sure you do it always following these steps:

(a) Loudly enough for your neighbours to hear (and record) all the most personal details.

(b) Use at least one expletive during each sentence. Make your own up if the mood takes and for that extra spice!

(c) Always accompany your argument with an assortment of bangs, thuds, crashes, mug smashing, wall crunching, shrieking, wailing, crying, sobbing and generally abusive behaviour! An argument isn’t complete without these additions!

(d) Make sure you blame your Neighbours at least once during the argument, for the argument and all your troubles! After all, the fact that you’re a bad neighbour isn’t your fault after all, is it? Come on, it’s your good neighbours fault!

Submitted by: Matthew