Family Politics

[Domestic Goddess]

Some of you may remember that Mr DG and I recently moved our youngest daughter to a new school as she was being bullied. When she started, I requested that she had sessions with the scholl counsellor to help her talk about her bullying eperiences and to help her settle in.

Recently, we have noticed that she asked if she could start jogging up and down our road after school. She also didn't finish her dinner and refused desert. We have never forced our girls to clear their plates and just assumed that she wasn't that hungry.

On Monday the school rang me and said that our daughter had been spotted emptying her uneaten packed lunch into a bin. They spoke to her and asked if she felt ill, or if I had packed food that she didn't like etc. She burst into tears and asked to talk to the school counsellor. Who later that day rang our home.

Our daughter, I'll call her E, has been not eating her lunches, cutting back on meals and exercising because her grandmother, my mother has been telling her that she is fat!:mad:

I collected E from school at 3.30 and texted Mr DG to come home from work early. E rold us a whole load of stuff that my mother has been saying to her behind our backs and when no one else is around. Mother has said that E lied about being bullied and was simply a drama queen, that E was a spolied madam, asking why couldn't E be more like her sister or cousins...the list goes on.

I was devastated. My mother has made jibes at my all my life and I have allowed her to get away with it. Now that she's started on my child, I decided to make a stand.

I rang my younger sister, who is unmarried and has no kids, to ask for her advice. She listen for 30 seconds and then hung up on me. She rang my parents to tell them that I was making false allegations about my mother, who is denying everything.

My sister has texted me several times saying that this is all my fault and that I am poisoning my daughters against my mother. Her texts were vicious and I can't believe what she is saying.

My extended family believe that I have coached E into making these allegations and that I am mentally ill or just wicked.

Mr DG is fuming.

My sister texted me to say that my dad wanted to come round this weekend and confront me. Mr DG has left a message on their answer phone stating that if dad has anything to say, he is to put it in a letter or email, so that we can calmy consider what has been said.

Right now, we are waiting to hear from him.

I am now faced with loosing contact with my extended family. I know that some of you here have got off contact with family members and I would really appreciate hearing form you.

Can you recover from the break? Do you regret not seeing them? Does it make life easier or harder?

I'm also wondering if we tell the girls what has been said and what I am being accused of? Me not seeing my family is one thing, but do I keep quiet and allow them to see the girls, do we tell the girls everything and let them make a choice? Should we just break off asap?

We're not going to make a move with discussing everything with E's counselor. Maybe we should go to our GP and ask to be refered to family therapy?

In a way I'm now a bit grateful to my NFH!!!! Having gone through a long, ugly dispute, we have come out of it stronger. The counseling I received has given me good coping tools. It was a long hard lesson for me to learn that I am not responsible for other people's actions and that it's ok for somebody not to like me.

Also, you guys have been a terrific help!!

[StoneHenge]

Sorry to hear about your daughter DG. If that were my mother, I'd have given her more than ten pence worth. How soul destorying can it be saying things like that to a child.

When I was about 11-12 I went through an eating phase where mum would give me dinner money, and I would eat one apple and a can of diet pepsi all day, then take my tea to eat in my room and throw it away. I did it for ages and I was a tiny little thing anyway. Not even sure what started it although I did have some bullying issues.

I didn't speak to my parents for over a year one time as they decided I was a snob for not accepting something she offered to me, which she forget to tell me was a gift (can't say what though), but but it led to us falling out. It was stress free for a long time as I used to be made to feel guilty for moving out of the area and not living five feet away like my sister.

Anyway, I would certainly not hold back if she's said these things to your daughter and you know for sure that E has told you the truth (which I'm sure she has). This could mentally scar the poor girl, and your mother must be aware she's only just moved becaue of bullying, heck what kind of a grandmother is she to further upset your daughter.

Honestly, they say blood is thicker than water, but they also say you can't chose your family (or neighbours!), and sometimes it's better to cut and run than to take the abuse. It depends how you personally feel about your mum after this, and how the kids feel about the prospect of not seeing her and your dad?

Lots to consider,but I bet you are fuming!!

[sp54]

Oh DG, you poor thing, you must be beside yourself with rage :mad:

I just can't believe a grandmother would say such wicked things and I am not surprised you are considering breaking off with them.

We don't see mr sp's brothers and their families because we got sick to death of being treated like the poor relations and spoken down to all the time [they are the most unbelievable, stuck up s**s you could ever meet] and we are both down to earth and get on with anyone and everyone from whatever walk of life they are from - unless they treat us badly and then they are history :mad:

It doesn't bother me in the slightest, but it hurts mr sp as they are his only living relatives. They have made contact with us with a view to get together again and mr sp would like to, but I can't stand the thought.

I think if they are your blood relatives it will always hurt, but if you are treated badly it hurts anyway, so whatever you decide you are 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' :(

Take care, DG, you are the one in the right and holding all the aces here ;)

[er 59]

Hi dg
your poor daughter has been through enough to make her feel bad about herself is unforgivable and to go on and say she is lying just beggars belief
follow your instincts and focus on your daughter just let everyone else stew if you need to ignore them then so be it maybe it will make them stop and think about how horrible they have acted
geez families hey nothing is ever simple :(

[Beth]

I am furious for you! that is dreadful thing to happen :cry:

I dont have kids but my advice to you right now would be its your daughter and YOU you need to consider right now :yes: no one else, they can be sorted out at a later date.

your poor daughter has already been through so much with the last school, the NFH and she doesnt need family pressures nor do you.

people say that blood is thicker than water and you should be there for them, I dont agree

I say - you cant choose your family, but your husband and your daughter love you unconditionally and you the same to them and right now that is what is important

personally I wouldnt even want to talk to your family right now let alone try, leave the dust to settle and its their loss not yours

you take care and give Mr DG and little miss DG a big hug for me :friends:

[Eeyore]

Everyone is so right here DG, you absolutely can't choose your family, and yours sound like they want a damned good slap. Who the hell does your mother think she is to say your girl is fat, stupid woman. Doesn't she know about kids and body image.

If it was my mother I'd be seething, thankfully my mum is not like that, but if anything like that happened to me I'd be round there raging like hell.

To be honest with regards families, we have very little to do with Mr Eeyores family. His mother, all his life, said he was a disappointment to her and basically mentally abused him, until at 18 he couldn't wait to get out. His brothers can do no wrong, Mr Eeyore was a disappointment for working, getting a nice house, a good life, whereas his brother, still at 30 coming in drunk and hurling everywhere was a positive angel. I despise the woman for the things she has said to Mr Eeyore, she thinks we are a disappointment to her as we don't have children, and dislikes us for that

We fell no loss at not seeing his family, I've not seen the old bag since 2005. We don't hear from them unless they wish to roll us out for the odd occasion or ask for money - neither of which we give in to - now we don't even get invited which is easier. We get the odd call where Mr Es mother talks at him and he says yes or no in the odd place, and that suits us fine. A card in the post for a birthday at a push. We have no regrets, they caused us hurt and pain which we don't need. We have each other, our lovely dogs, my mum, our friends, and we are happy with that, why let someone into your life who gets off on causing upset?

[Planet 24]

Personally, I have never been through any of those issues with my family, but if this had happened to me and mine, I would have invited all the family together for the day, and then said to your mother 'You have hurt my daughter and you have hurt me but you will not get the opportunity to do it again, now go.' The humiliation and pain is something she should have been made to feel as she had done to you and your daughter. Perhaps she might think twice then but I doubt it. People will think what they want to and nothing will change their minds or attitudes. To be honest, if that's how they feel, so bitter and twisted that their venom knowns no bounds, I wouldn't want to be a part of the clan.

[Domestic Goddess]

Thank you all so much for your kind support. it is only through the kindness and afirmation of Mr DG, online and offline friends that is getting me through it.

I am also really grateful to E's new school for alerting us to this situation. I shudder to think how long this has been going on.

Thanks for the link to the book, I have ordered it and can't wait to read it!

Do you all remember when you first came to this forum because of your NFH? You were stressed and couldn't understand why your NFH was doing these things to you. You were worried that your situation was so awful that people might think that you were exagerating. Remember all the support and understanding you got from the members here who listened and understood. This is how I feel about your and other kind people's response to my situation with my mother. Everyone who is not a member of my family has told me that what mother has said to E is unhealthy and should be stopped. I really needed to hear this and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

[sp54]

It was a very cruel thing to say to any child, but to your own grandaughter, well, that's just unbelievable and I am sending you and E lots of hugs :friends: :flowers2:

Take care and stay strong, hun xx

[Planet 24]

Mr. P never got on with his mother, mind you I never did nor did anyone else for that matter, but you tolerate certain things because of grandchildren. My mother never interfered, I knew she had her own opinions on my MIL but never said anything. I was an only child,and to be honest was glad I was as at school I heard all sorts of tales about siblings & families etc.
Mr. P's Mother had a vitriolic tongue, she spoiled the grandchildren to excess and would cause a lot of friction where she could. I totally ignored her, to me the behaviour was alien.In point of fact, Mr. P used to say my mother was more of a mother to him than is own, which is very sad in a way.
As the boys grew up they realised what was going on from their own observations and had very little to do with her when they reached manhood. That was their choice. When she was dying I held my MIL 's hand as everyone else had deserted her by this time and she said and I'll never forget this 'Well, we have had more of a conversation today than we ever have and you're not all bad'. She then died.
I felt nothing, neither did anyone else in the family as far as I am aware. The point is, people are what they are, you can't change them and you can't punish yourself for the way they behave. They have the same choices as you have but choose to exercise theirs in a different way. That's their prerogative and in some cases their misfortune.
Be glad you have Mr DG and your daughter that is really all that is important.

[marieuk]

Hi DG

First i want to say im so sorry for what you and your immediate family are going through:( .

I was treated the same as your daughter but the comments were from my mum, saying i was fat, ugly and a worthless drama queen etc, i never told anyone until i was in mid twenties which led to several eating disorders and low self esteem. By no means am i saying that this will happen to your daughter as you are aware of it but just to highlight the damage remarks can make to a teenager (DG that is a presumption as i dont know daughters age but any age remarks like that are horrid).

On the not talking to family it is now 10 years since i last spoke to my mum, and i can probably count on one hand (after the initiall feelings ) the number of times i have thought i wonder what she is doing or up to mainly on mothers day etc. At first i cried a lot then got really angry and now not really sure if i feel anything, but what i have learnt is that you have to look after yourself and your family, yes it was hard breaking away from the family and now as a result of this i dont talk to my mum brother and one of my sisters. Yes i get lonely but i have a fabulous mother father and brother in law, Mr Muk is supportive and so is dad and Sister, the old saying blood is thicker than water is a pile of pants in my opinion
Look after your self and your daughter as the wounds that have been caused by your mother will need a lot of love and attention to heal, my sympathies to you and your daughter.



Love Muk xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[coppernob]

Firstly a big hug from me, DG and please don't ever think you are in the wrong for telling your Mum what for.It is hard to realise that a person who you should look upto is capable of being a bully and sometimes far easier to not deal with it than face it but if it's not stopped now, she will always think her behaviour is acceptable. Your Mum has to understand you are not going to let her do this anymore, she knows how she really acted so stay firm and don'tlet them push you around. I've had similar with my Mum and have cut contact but we then both had time to think about the situation and talked it through which has made the relationship now more on an equal footing and honest. CN

[Domestic Goddess]

Update!!!


My dad rang me tonight and told me how upset he was. I told him that he was always welcome to come and see the girls whenever he wanted to. He told me that my mother totally denied saying these things to E and couldn't understand why she was doing this to her. He said that he absolutely believed her.


I told him that Mr DG and I believed E, because mother had same pretty much the same thing to me all my life. Dad said that she had said those things out of concern and to encourage me to diet!:mad:
I said that nevertheless we believed E and that was that. The only way to move forward was for mother to admit that she had said those things and apologise to E.


The call ended


5 minutes later dad called me back and said that mother still denied saying those things to E, but was prepared to make an apologetic statement to E if it was necessary.


I told E that Grandma wants to say sorry (not didn't mention the denial part) and E spoke to her on the phone, listened and accepted mother's "apology".


So, E is of the opinion that mother was acknowledging her guilt and admitting that it was wrong. I know that this isn't the truth, but all I am interested in is E's self esteem.


I then spoke to my mother. She told me that she was prepared to make only kind and positive remarks to me and her grand daughter if that was what it would take to heal the rift. I said that was all I was asking for and thanked her and said goodbye.


So, my mother is in total denial that she has done anything wrong at all!!! No doubt she will be telling my extended family how she has been the bigger person and has made a herioc effort to placate her over sensitive daughter and grand daughter!!!!


What it amounts to is that she thinks being asked to be polite and kind to her family is asking a great deal!!!


However, E is much happier and hopefully mother will be only saying nice things to us. We have made no progress at all in getting my mother to take a long hard look at herself.


Mr DG is incredulous! We will keep in contact with my family, but only see them very rarely. Neither of our daughters will ever be left alone with my mother again, until they are old enough to decide for themselves. No doubt my mother has phoned all my family and told them how awful I am and how we make her life a misery! And yet I am so not caring about this. All I want if for the DG household to be happy.

[marieuk]

Hi DG


Im glad that your daughter thinks your mother is sorry for what she has said but on the other hand im sorry your mother thinks she has done no wrong, i only wish she would accept she has done wrong. Thinking of you all.




Love Muk xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Planet 24]

Your happiness and the happiness of your daughter is all that matters. Your mother has to live with herself and even the mask of self denial slips occasionally.

Keep smiling :)

[mazza]

DG, I am glad that you have reached a kind of amiable soultion for the time being - that is very generous and strong of you to allow your daughter to speak to your mother after what she did.

I am convinced that just because someone is in your family, it does not give them the green lught to interfere with your own life and dominate you and intrude at their whim.

I had a very domineering mother (now no longer with us) and she still affects me to this day as she used to say negative things and psychologically bully me. When I was at school, she would not even speak to me for months on end (for unknown reasons) and when I had my first child, she didn't see him for three months and refused to call him by the name we had given him because she wanted him named after her father!!! :bigeyes:

I had no qualms at all about leaving her to it - eventually she contacted me with her tail between her legs so to speak - a bit like your mum.

I knew she'd do it again though (and she did), so I always kept my distance and 'let her come to me' .

I could quite happily go for months without contact, no guilt at all from me.

You need to do what is right for you and your family - you will have your reasons for the decisions you make so I would not feel guilty at all about it. Just cos they are family, why should we be compelled to 'get on with' or suffer them if all they are doing is dragging us down?

Take care :) ,

[Eeyores mam]

DG I am so sorry to read this thread. Grandchildren have a special affinity with their Grandparents and listen to them when they won`t listen to their parents. To say such things to a grandchild is cruel. The child will obviosly take it to heart.
Your mother has done the "noble" thing by apologising to your daughter and saying she will not say unkind things again but what is unkind to one person is not to another.
My advice is to always be on your guard. I am not saying that your mother is vindictive but there are people in this world that will spy any chance to get back at someone who has made them lose face. Lets hope that your mother has learnt her lesson. She really has no right to interfere with your family.
As for your sister it is the sort of response I would expect from someone who only hears one side and makes a decision and puts the blinkers on. You do not have to see your sister unless YOU want to so she can be put to the back of your mind and not bothered about.
I hope you and your family can overcome this big problem and that your daughter can cope. I am sure that with such sensible parents as your daughter has she will manage fine. Good luck.

[Annabel]

DG I wanted to PM you but you havent 'switched on' your PM system...